The Terrordrome

PIPE HITTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRS!!!!!

2009-08-27T16:36:00.001-04:00

CONGRATULATIONS and HUZZAH to my serpentine colleagues for the hard-fought victory over those Star Wars C*nts this past weekend!

Iranian News Cleverly Disguised As Iraqi News

2008-08-28T12:28:00.002-04:00

Muqtada al-Sadr, the leader of the 60,000-strong Mehdi Army (a Shi'ite militia) has announced that the cease-fire order he issued (first for six months in August 2007, then for another six months in February 2008) will now be in place indefinitely.

While not explicitly calling for disarmament, he stated that the Mehdi Army would be reshaped into a primarily religious and cultural organization and renamed al-Mumahidun. The Mehdi Army was the most motivated and best-organized single force threatening Iraqi stability, so this is great news for the American presence and Iraqi government.

Be aware, however, that al-Sadr has actually been living in Iran (a Shi'ite state) since early 2007 and it is no great reach to assume that al-Sadr's words and actions since then (if not before) have been an extension of Iranian policy. This indefinite extension of the cease-fire is a likely indicator of a compromise having been reached behind the scenes between the US and Iran.

The Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia are FARCed

2008-07-14T12:12:00.003-04:00

Yeah what's it been, 10 months? Screw it and let's push on.

As you may have heard, an incredible hostage rescue took place last week in Colombia, where long-dormant National Army moles planted within FARC managed to rescure the 11 highest-profile hostages (including Ingrid Betancourt) in a daring operation without firing a single shot. This is the greatest victory the army has ever had over the rebels, and it has been starting talk of extending the presidential term limit for the incredibly popular Alvaro Uribe.

For FARC, things are looking downright sh*tty. It's been a bad year for them, all around--the founder of the movement, Manuel "Tirofijo" ("Sureshot") Marulanda, did of a heart attack earlier this year, and several top leaders have been killed in combat. Already, Raul Castro and Hugo Chavez have asked FARC to release its remaining hostages. The days of Chavez risking war with Colombia over FARC are now behind us, as that rat has recognized a sinking ship and gotten the hell off of it.

Without their foreign hostages, international support, or command structure, FARC is a dying animal. Expect some desperate violence as it goes through its death throes, but in 2 years, if there is still an organization called FARC, it will be dedicated to no other purpose than the manufacture of cocaine.

Christ, I miss the Cold War part II

2007-10-31T17:22:00.000-04:00

--A representative of the extremely fun-to-pronounce Russian arms manufacturer Rosoboronexport has announced that sales to Venezuela stand at US$4 billion and they are expected to double or triple in the next couple years. Ships, planes, helicopters, the works. Of course, it's nothing the U.S. couldn't vaporize in two days, but it is more than enough to lend serious credibility to Venezuela as it continues to project its influence throughout less-well-armed Central and South America.

--Russia is also continuing to make its presence uncomfortably felt in the whole Iraq-Iran theatre, as Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov is planning a trip to Tehran to visit President Ahmedinejad, the 2nd major Russia-Iran diplomatic meeting this month. Iran needs a dancing partner to get some leverage against the United States and its allies where Iraq is concerned, and Russia is all too happy to be That Guy these days, as previous posts have shown. While these developments are troublesome for the United States, the good news is that whatever the relationship between these two SOBs, Russia is even less interested in seeing Iran go nuclear than the U.S. is, so their backing of Iran is likely coming in exchange for Iran's total cooperation on the nuclear issue.

--In Azerbaijan, a former Soviet republic, the government reportedly foiled a "large-scale horrifying terror attack" that targeted Azeri government facilities as well as the British and American embassies in the capital, Baku. The British have closed their embassy and the Americans have reportedly scaled down operations at theirs. The plotters were, duh, a radical Islamist group. It hasn't yet been reported which one.

--The most destabilizing organization in world history, D-Generation X, is reportedly re-forming briefly on the evening of November 5. This analyst is very excited.

Beer and Bullets

2007-10-26T15:20:00.000-04:00

Chinese brewery Tsingtao is going to be opening up a new plant in Thailand soon. Whatever, conquer that market, just export more of that good stuff to the states.

The Turkey-Iraq issue is beginning to bog down. A couple of days ago a few hundred Turkish soldiers crossed the border and went about six miles into Iraq, then withdrew back to Turkey. This was accompanied by artillery fire and airstrikes. For all the fuss and bluster (fluster) about a massive invasion of the Iraqi north, winter is coming and any large-scale military operation is going to turn into a logistical nightmare in the mountainous borderlands. Still, expect the Turks to keep the appearance intact that such an operation is waiting in the wings until they get what they want, namely, the Kurdish Regional Government to condemn the PKK attacks, the Iraqi government to hand over any Kurdish militants it can, and the U.S. to treat Kurdish militants the same way they treat insurgents.

Brief 10/17/07

2007-10-17T13:46:00.001-04:00

A few notes on some things:

--Syria has released a statement denying that its U.N. representative had confirmed reports that the target of the Israeli airstrike was a nuclear facility. Syria also reaffirmed that there are no nuclear facilities within its borders. So, take that for what you will.

-- The bill formally accusing Turkey of genocide 100 years ago against Armenians seems to be losing steam in Congress, according to sources quoted by Crimson Guardsman and authority on U.S. domestic politics, Cesspool. This certainly hasn't helped relations between Washington and Ankara, but it isn't as much a problem in itself as it is the excuse that an unhappy significant other seizes upon to finally justify a breakup. It's going to be a messy one, though. Turkey doesn't need America nearly as much as it used to, and the destabilization of Iraq has actually been a liability for them, but the alliance is still too important to dissolve just yet.

-- Fidel Castro is not coming back. Raul, his younger brother, has been running Cuba for just over a year now, and his tone of rhetoric represents a drastic departure from The Beard. He talks about reforming many aspects of Cuban society, specifically, loosening up the command economy and encouraging more dissenting voices. Which is nice and all, but I won't buy into it until average Cubans get more earning power and unrestricted internet access, and the political prisons are drained beyond the ceremonial five guys a year.

-- Gunmen, Somali soldiers among them, stormed the U.N. compound in Mogadishu and kidnapped the World Food Program's top representative there. Everyone loses.

Turkey Moves on Alderaan (Alderaaq?)

2007-10-11T13:45:00.001-04:00

I've been holding out for an interesting story that wasn't about the Middle East or Russia...preferably something Scandinavian since I just got the new Dethklok album. But nothing's turning up, and events elsewhere force my hand...

Since October 7, 15 Turkish soldiers have been killed by members of the Kurdistan Worker's Party (PKK), and this has prompted emergency measures to be taken by Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, who has stated that a request to send the military into northern Iraq could be sent to the parliament as early as tomorrow.

For those of you not familiar with the Kurdish situation, look it up because I don't know too much about it, myself. But I'll tell you what I do know. The densest concentration of Kurds stretches from southern Turkey into northern Iraq, and both countries have had their problems with separatist Kurdish elements, Turkey moreso because a democratic government is a little more hesitant about gassing its own people.

Occupying northern Iraq is, in fact, not an unprecedented move by Turkey. I was a bit surprised to learn that they did the same thing in the post-Gulf-War-I 1990s, just to create a buffer zone against incursions by the Kurds, which didn't make too many waves. So they might do the same thing again.

Only, see, things are a little different in Iraq now. With the political situation there still murky as ever, a military presence by Turkey will really complicate things. First of all, they are 99% likely to oppose any greater autonomy, let alone independence, granted to the Kurds in northern Iraq as this will embolden separatists in their own country and destabilize the areas where they live.

That, and having another regional power throwing its weight around in an already-screwed up country can't make things better. Europe has no clout to tell them to back down, since they've been blackballing Turkey from the E.U. like a black jewish communist golfer in the 50's trying to get a membership at Augusta. And while the U.S. and Turkey are allies, we need the Turks a lot more than they need us right now, so we can't do much more than ask nicely at this point.

But hey, if worse comes to worst and they DO move to occupy northern Iraq, and then worse comes to worst comes to worst and the fragile system we have put in place crumbles, we can always just bail and leave Turkey holding the bag. Nah, we really can't. But it would be pretty funny and spiteful.

Israeli Airstrike Saga Continues

2007-10-02T13:09:00.000-04:00

Finally, someone decides to officially open their mouth.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad claims the target of the attack, which we now know was a joint operation by Israeli warplanes and a commando team on the ground, was an "abandoned military building". He cited the incident as evidence of Israel's disregard for peace, but downplayed any talk of war or further armed hostilities.

Keep moving people, nothing to see here...

The only red state that REALLY matters

2007-09-28T13:35:00.000-04:00

When the Soviet Union imploded, there were hundreds of theories of what would happen to the land and people it used to consist of. One idea was that, since the USSR contained something along the lines of 500 distinct ethnic groups, the term "Balkanization" would be changed to "Transsiberification" as the once-monolithic nation dissolved into 500 tiny and constantly warring city-states (or, further east, hamlet-states). Though skeptical, I was a huge fan of this theory. It meant job security for a young Slavophile.

The Chechen rebellion was supposed to be the snowflake that started the avalanche, but seeing the writing on the wall, the Russians refused to let them go easily and answered their guerrilla insurgency with a conscripted conventional force with superior firepower and numbers, a strategy that worked out so well for them in Afghanistan in the 1980s, heh heh heh. Seriously, despite my sarcastic jab, this approach towards the Chechens wasn't pretty but it worked: a nasty, vicious war that has killed more civilians than combatants and is still in progress. Not exactly an encouraging example to any other restless ethnic would-be rebels. The lesson to the other former Soviet republics is simple: be as excessively brutal as possible when faced with a separatist movement, and everything will be ok. At least, your political borders will be.

Oddly enough, the one former Soviet republic not to take this lesson to heart is Georgia, birthplace of Josef Stalin. Back in 1993, two separatist groups won de facto independence from Georgia: Abkhazia and South Ossetia, which managed this through a mixture of tenacity, remarkable fighting ability, drawing allies from elsewhere in the region, and support from Russia. Yes, you read that correctly! Russia did actually work towards destabilizing one of its own former client states. This is because Georgia is predominantly a pro-Western state and thus, doesn't always row in sync with Russia--Georgia has even been known to allow Chechen rebels to enter the country to rest and rearm. Now, tensions are rising again between South Ossetia and Georgia, and Abkhazia is responding to this development by massing soldiers on its border with Georgia, very likely at the prodding of Russia.

[Long Editor's Note: In addition to those reasons listed above, the Georgian military is plagued with widespread incompetence. To illustrate this, earlier this week there were reports of gunfire at a Georgian army base. Responding to questions as to whether this was politically motivated, the Georgian ambassador responded that the shooting was started by 10-15 conscript soldiers under the influence of alcohol. It reminds me of the time when an old classmate of mine had burned half his high school down, and was visited at home by the police for questioning. His airtight alibi? That he couldn't have committed arson that day because he'd skipped school to stay home, drink vodka, and snort cocaine.]

Now, consider what happened at the United Nations yesterday: Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili claimed, before the General Assembly, that on September 20th Georgian forces had detained a group of militants led by a Russian Colonel in the mountains just across the border from Abkhazia. Saakashvili pointedly asked just what the hell the Russians thought they were doing? The Russian reponse came from Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, who claimed that the Russians were on an anti-terrorism excercise, and that after surrendering their arms to the Georgians, two Russian officers were savagely executed.

Interesting that the Russians would wait a week to announce this fairly significant incident. Either they just found out about it, or they are lying and just want to raise the stakes. Either way, their options are limited, now: either they let Georgia believe it's ok to execute their officers, or they throw down. It's reminiscent of that one time a certain presidential administration cited the presence of WMDs as cause for intervention. Hmmmm. In any case, if Russia really is planning to move on Georgia, it knows this is the perfect time. With America tied down in Iraq, it's in no position to help out its ally.

Doodily Ding-Dong Tick-Tock!

2007-09-24T15:53:00.000-04:00

Everything is just so...brutal today.

Following up on the Israeli airstrike story, there are reports that a team of crack Israeli commandos raided a military site somewhere in Syria and seized North Korean nuclear material. The Syrians denied that anything happened but would respond more completely at a later time. The Israelis have said nothing at all. What a pain in the ass it is to try and report news about the Near East.

The incoming prime minister of Japan, replacing the recently resigned Shinzo Abe, is named Fukuda. Full name Yasuo Fukuda, but I will call him Jun.

A story appeared in Newsweek recently, claiming that Dick Cheney was thinking about asking Israel to launch a missile strike against Iran, so that Iran would retaliate, so the U.S. would have pretext to launch attacks against Iran. Really. That's the extent of it. According to the article, he hasn't even spoken to any Israelis about the idea. So that's the whole story? Why stop there, as I'm sure Cheney has probably thought about nuking California and having his children assassinated. That sounds like a much more interesting non-story. Get your sh*t together, Newsweek.

And on that note, here's a dose of the Metalocalypse season premiere! The record comes out tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should just buy it on iTunes, or get the cd, there's probably cool extra crap if I get the cd, but it will cost more. Decisions.

Toki: You know, maced turkeys isn't that bads. It tastes stingy!
Skwisgaar: Yah it makes my tongues numbs but, yah it's goods!
Murderface: Yeah it's good for lunchmeat, ya know, if you're on the go like me...I'm on the go, usually.
Lawyer: You wanted to, talk to me?
Murderface: Uh, yeah. Siddown.
Lawyer: No thank you, I'll stand.
Nathan: Oh, we wanted to say...we're sorry...there. There you go. Get outta here.
Lawyer: You're sorry. For...releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets?
Nathan: Uh, about calling you a robot. You, you're--
Toki: You not a robot.
Nathan: --not a robot.
Toki: Not a robot.
Murderface: No you are not.
Nathan: You're not.
Murderface: And we know that must have made you feel bad.
Lawyer: mm-hmm.
Skwisgaar (mouth full of maced turkey): Ands listens, yous the best butlers we's ever hads, so we no wants yous to quit.
Lawyer: I'm, uh, not a butler...never mind. That's all, then?
Pickles: Dat's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there, again. Y'know, it felt good. Y--Y'know, couple tings I woulda done differently...
Lawyer: You mean, like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?
Pickles: Hehhh, no, dat was a happy accident. [sigh] I was talkin' about the lighting? Y'know, changin' dat up a little bit? Not by much, just slightly? Y'know, cuz the mood wasn't totally captured? Not totally?
Lawyer: Very well.
Skwisgaar (mouth still full of maced turkey): And I would have turns, yah know, Murderface and Tokis down a little in the main mix, yah know...[trails off]
Murderface: Yeah, just the little things, you know, I wasn't crazy about my new boots either, comfort while playing is reeeeeally important, you know.
Nathan: Yeah, it is, it is. But no big deal. You'll get 'em next time. But, oh, hey. Hey.
Lawyer: ...Yes?
Nathan: Keep up the great work. See ya later.
Lawyer: Goodbye. Oh...remember, start thinking about that new record.
Murderface: ROBOT!

OK, Mr. Honky Mo-Fo, take your best shot!

2007-09-21T22:47:00.001-04:00

So, apparently there are signs all over the world that there is a global recession coming. I've found no confident predictions as to its length and depth, but the Federal Reserve just cut the interest rate by a half-percent to 4.75%, and that's the first cut it's made in four years. So, now's the time to start stuffing those mattresses. Nah, I'm just joshing. Coffee cans are a better idea.

You may not be aware that the U.S. military does not actually take care of all of our security interests in Iraq. The smelly infestation of contractors that swarms all over our tax dollars (I may end up working for one of them someday, in which case, I will not retract that comment) extends into Iraqi security. One of the most significant of these contractors is Blackwater, USA, founded, run, and staffed by the kind of guys that always reminds me of an old Robin Williams movie, The Survivors. Basically, they are crazy mercenaries like the guy pictured at right.

So anyway, Blackwater's main duty in-country involves moving high-profile targets (diplomats, local politicians) from Point A through dangerous territory to Point B. So it happens that, during one of these Crazy-Taxi-esque runs, the convoy gets ambushed and a shootout ensues. Blackwater's helicopters (helicopters!) arrive to support, and some people that pretty much everyone involved agrees are civilians (damn insurgent conflicts, it's so hard to tell sometimes) are shot and killed in the crossfire.

And lo, the nascent Iraqi government decides to flex its new muscles. "Blackwater must go!" It cries (in Arabic, probably).

Now, the numbers I've got show that there's around 30,000 contract security employees in Iraq, and Blackwater accounts for about 1,500 of them. That's not a terribly significant loss by the numbers, but the significance of firing them over something like this is much greater. It would almost certainly lead to a spike in attacks on contractors, in an attempt to provoke more unfortunate accidents and subsequent sackings. If they could decrease the overall U.S. presence in-country by 30,000, or even just force the U.S. to fill those numbers in with uniformed troops, it would be quite the setback.

So, to summarize, the Iraqi government and the Pentagon have a conflict of interests.

Or rather, had. Today it was announced that Blackwater will be allowed to stay and do what it was doing, but all of its operations must be approved beforehand (by whom isn't clear). What a completely meaningless slap on the wrist. Nobody wouldn't have approved the operation that started this whole mess anyway. To know whether the contractors were really at fault requires having seen the incident firsthand, but it's not important whether their expulsion was just or not. What's important is that the Iraqi government just attempted to make a decision and was promptly emasculated by the Americans.

While that's probably where this story will end (unless Blackwater or another security company does something outrageous, like rape a child), the Iraqi Interior Ministry is drawing up legislation that will allow them to prosecute any contractors who fail to adhere to certain "guidelines". We'll see how far that goes.

Israeli Airstrike Update!

2007-09-20T14:05:00.001-04:00

The plot continues to thicken.

Yesterday, Israel's former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu publicly praised the current president, Ehud Olmert, for the airstrike in Syria. Of course, he said nothing specific about what its purpose was. From what I have been given to understand about Israeli politics, Netanyahu and Olmert are political rivals, so for the former to publicly support the latter while mentioning no details concerning the attack itself...and Syria, who would normally jump at the chance to blacken Israel's eye, remains silent. Oooh, goosebumps.

And remember, this all happened on the border with Turkey, who just might be a factor in why nobody's talking. Possibly, the Turks were moving something across the border, or had some other kind of direct involvement. That might explain why Israel is clamming up, to save Turkey the embarrassment--this incident aside, the two countries have a very real strategic need for each other.

But...

WHAT the hell was the target?

That's Nobody's Business But The Turks...and the Syrians...

2007-09-17T16:05:00.000-04:00

On a slow news day, one can usually find something in the Middle East to put on the front page. But this isn't just a typical strife story. Have a look:

On September 6, a report came out of Syria that single Israeli aircraft had entered Syrian airspace, dropped ordnance in the northern part of the country, and was forced to leave by Syrian air defenses. Yet, the Syrians reported no damage.

Then, Turkish officials inform the Syrians that two Israeli auxiliary fuel tanks were found on the Turkish side of their border with Syria. This makes sense, as the discovered Israeli aircraft would likely have jettisoned its tanks and fled after being caught by the Syrians. But it brings up questions: Why do the Turks give a damn, since they have a fairly close military relationship with Israel, and what the hell were the Israelis going after?

I'll start with the second question. The Washington Post reported that the intended target by Israel was a facility designated by Syria as performing "Agricultural Research". The attack coincided with the arrival in a Syrian port of North Korean ships bearing cargo labeled "cement". I'm sure it is, since cement is the only thing besides dirt that North Korea is in any shape to export these days. Oh, dirt and nuclear material/technology/expertise. So some surreptitious nuclear program was probably the target of Israel's incursion, right?

Maybe not. Syria and Turkey are not best buddies, and it's unlikely that the Syrians could be carrying out nuclear research within slingshot range without Turkey's knowledge, let alone consent. So, it makes more sense when an Israeli leak to the London Times indicates that the target was a warehouse of chemical weapons. But only a little more sense.

The point is, whether it's chemical or nuclear, there is no reason why Syria would opt to put it so close to Turkey, and no reason why Israel, not Turkey, would have to deal with it, unless the Syrians and Turks know something that we don't. But Israel does, or at least suspects enough not to trust its ally in the region.

Bottom line, there's far more questions than answers right now, and it may stay that way. Israel, however, doesn't throw its weight around unless it feels it is responding to an imminent threat (and the argument can certainly be made that an imminent threat is ever-present for that country). Possibly Hezbollah is somehow involved in this. Turkey's aspirations to get into the EU could play some very circuitous role in all of this, as well.

Christ, I miss the Cold War

2007-09-12T16:26:00.000-04:00

Some important developments in Eastern Europe.

Recently, Vladimir Putin dismissed Mikhail Fradkov as Prime Minister and dissolved his cabinet. This was not an unexpected or terribly inappropriate move, but Putin's nomination of Viktor Zubkov over more experienced and well-known likely successors is cause for concern.

Zubkov currently runs a watchdog agency that investigates financial improprieties such as counterfeiting and tax evasion, and was involved in the epic takedown of Russian oil mogul Mikhail Khodorkovsky, who was unique among his country's business oligarchs in that he ran a transparent business in order to spur Western investment, and also taking public stances against Putin--something which almost certainly resulted in the tax investigations.

Zubkov also worked under Putin in the city administration of St. Petersburg in the 1990s.

Add to all of this that the Russians exploded a new conventional bomb today. While it is non-nuclear, it is said to possess the destructive power of a nuke. The question is really about how close Putin can bring Russia to the "good old days" of Soviet power while maintaining a veneer of democracy, if he even gives a damn about that. Putin is currently scheduled to step down as President after the March elections.

In a related issue, the political situation in neighboring Ukraine (NEVER refer to the country as "The Ukraine". Ukrainians find it demeaning, as I learned the hard way while trying to seduce a lovely girl from Kiev at a party) has become ever more volatile. You may remember the presidential election there in 2004 between pro-Western Viktor Yushchenko and pro-Russian Viktor Yanukovich (who was then, and still is, Prime Minister of the Ukrainian parliament, called the Rada). Yushchenko, who had a JFK-style youthful appearance, was poisoned with a chemical that turned his face into a hideous mass of blisters and lesions. Nothing was ever proved, but the prevailing belief is that the Russian FSB (successor of the KGB) was behind the effort. Ugliness notwithstanding, Yushchenko prevailed in a close election.

Yushchenko recently dissolved the Rada and called for new elections, an action well within his power as President. Yanukovich, fearing that the new elections would result in losses across the board for his pro-Russian faction, frantically (and almost certainly with Russian backing) struck deals with enough members of parliament to suspend the elections, scheduled for September 30th.

As the law is clearly on the side of Yushchenko here, it is more likely that the elections will proceed as scheduled, but this is not a certainty. The aforementioned events in Russia suggest that Putin is prepared to take an even more active hand in Ukraine than he did in 2004, and as the United States is considerably more distracted with Iraq, nothing is certain as to the outcome of this little struggle.

Phase II

2007-07-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

Our secret factories are nearing completion of the new face of the Terrordrome. Check back.

THAT'S IT!!!

2007-07-05T14:10:00.001-04:00

Ok, I finally got fed up with the many pools of disease-spreading still water beginning to collect on my blog.

Partly for that reason I opted to bring on board a new special operative to take care of horrible poisonous waste, i.e. domestic politics--please welcome Cesspool, who updates his blog far more frequently than I've been of late. Anybody who gets alternately slammed as a communist subversive and a libertarian survivalist nut job has to be getting SOMETHING right.

Furthermore, there's a spiffy new blog set up by Zandar as a forum for all things pro-wrestling-related: TheyNeedToGoForADisqualification as yet has no cute name under my link list because I haven't thought of one yet, but you can get through it here and bookmark the sh*t out of it or get to it through Zandar's page.

Also awaiting a badass COBRA name is http://www.marginalminds.com/ which is...well...the latest genetic freak mutation creation of Dr. Mindbender's, though several Guardsmen are contributors. Mindbender describes it thusly: "It is designed to introduce people who like X and Y to the Z they haven't heard of yet." Thus far in its young life it has dealt mostly with music, but the idea is to expand it to other forms of art and pretty much anything at all.

ShowUsYourSmile has a new post, the beginning of a story concerning the origins of Coyote Smith. It joins a 3-part Kaede adventure I'm pretty happy with, and a short Dan Smith ficlet. I have grand plans for that page, especially when I don't have to spend 8 hours a day in this friggin' office!

Good segue. So July 23rd marks the final day of office hours I have to put in for my job mudslinging. After that I still get a pretty decent stipend to be on retainer to telecommute twice a year to correct incoming voter registration data. Sweet deal, I sez.

Pretty much nobody who reads this will be unaware of why I'm leaving my job, but just in case I've missed someone, I'm going to be hitting up grad school in the fall at Mercyhurst College in frigid Erie, PA. Studying what? It's a secret, f*ckers.

So it'll be pretty neat having 5 weeks or so without need of an alarm clock. One of the things I hope to be able to do is shift the theme of this URL into a foreign policy/international news blog. After all, we here at COBRA are in the business of taking over the world, right? Best to know what we're getting into. Though I don't expect I'll be able to keep nintendo and whore stories (prostitales) out of the subject matter.

Ok. Back to going through the motions...

Sorry, I was on the the periodical

2007-02-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

Cheers to everyone who helped the number of comments on that last post to almost equal the number of characters in the post itself. It's that kind of industriousness and work ethic that makes the Terrordrome first among aggressively expansionistic authoritarian blogs.

GREAT NEWS! The New & Improved DX dvd set has been shipped to my house. Thanks to Storm Shadow and his connections, I already have in my possession a bottle of finest black vodka. It will be a small matter to procure a bottle of Midori to complete the recipe for DX shots. I am thinking [Cousin Balki voice] PARTY TIME, and I want all my wrestling crew members involved (though non-wrestling aficionados are also invited). Of course, we can't JUST have liquor (too expensive). So for beer selection I'm thinking straight Arrogant Bastard...it's fitting, no? Unless someone's got a better idea. The biggest issue, though, is location. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

BMD update! We've got a nice pile of brand-spanking new music that we'll be rolling out in March. Our next show, and our first in quite some time, will be Friday, March 2 at the Wildflower in Bethlehem. EDIT: The following weekend, Friday, March 9, at the Funhouse in Bethlehem, we will be playing, possibly with an opening act. And, of course, Dr. Mindbender's Last Drink '07 on March 31st in Marlton, NJ, and opening for us will be the great and talented timeless act Noringo, fronted by the 'Drome's own Major Bludd.

In other news, thanks to Zarana's encouragement and beautiful design job, I have started my own livejournal EXCLUSIVELY for the purpose of writing Killer7 fanfic. I'm pretty pleased with my first entry and I hope to only improve. You can check it out at http://showusyoursmile.livejournal.com The submissions are going to be serial-style, short and episodic, designed for those of the short attention spans.

Best Royal Rumble Ever.

2007-01-29T08:56:00.000-05:00

That's all I got for now.

Happy Trails, Sgt. Slaughter

2007-01-05T13:01:00.000-05:00

Not normally one to resist the flow of innovation, but the new blogger demands that I either forfeit my anonymity here or my identity on gmail. Some improvement.

Firstly, I would like to report that the songs on www.myspace.com/blackmarketdynamite are now downloadable! There are two studio demos there that, as far as I know, are largely uncirculated. Go forth and propogate our music. I tried to upload them to last.fm but they told me the songs needed to be encrypted differently or something. No idea how to re-encrypt them. *aggots.

Farewell, William Cowher.

The man did a fine job overall. Since I started paying attention, the man's only lean years came when he tried to engineer some kind of departure from what is known throughout the NFL world as Steelers football...staunch defense, of course, but most importantly a physical offense with a pounding rushing attack. Every team has talent, every player is a badass, even this guy. But in this age of salary caps and steroids, it's become increasingly clear to me what makes the Steelers more consistently competitive than any other team in the league: an identity that is bigger than any player on a current roster, bigger than a coach, bigger than the owners. It is the identity of Pittsburgh itself. There is such a legacy of tradition, not in terms of success but in methodology, that every player who comes through the locker room is pushed to live up to, and they stick to that whether they win or lose. In a Peloponnesian War analogy, Pittsburgh would be Sparta. (New England would be Athens and Chicago would be Boeotia. Probably.) Let us hope that now that Lysander (Cowher) has left, we will find a new general capable enough and dedicated to the Pittsburgh identity to sail the victory fleet into the Piraeus once again...

So that's the Terrordrome NFL tidbit. Watch Iron_Grenadiers to see my forthcoming playoff picks, as well as those of the other guardsmen. Also there's an ode to Chad Pennington I wrote yesterday that's especially funny if you watch this first.

You're putting my kids through college

2006-12-15T08:59:00.000-05:00

Guilty Indifferences
Bank surcharges (fiscal responsibility in general, really)
A decent resume
Not shooting New Yorkers moving into the Lehigh Valley
The Washington Redskins

Europe is so f*cked. Statistically speaking, a country needs a birthrate of 2.1 to sustain its population. National birthrates are plummeting over there. Spain's is 1.1. BUT, the birthrate of the Muslim population there is something like 3.4. If a birthrate of 3.4 is only bringing the national average up to 1.1, that means the ethnic Spanish birthrate has to be absolutely pathetic. A paraphrased quote from (pick your spelling) Moammar Qaddafi (tastes just like a chQKAKCCKQPTHTP): "In one generation we will reconquer Europe without firing a shot." And that is mostly true. Theo Van Gogh was killed with a knife, not a gun. He will probably have been the last European to have stood in the way of the gradual shift to Sharia law. This is the bed they've made for themselves, unfortunately. With absolutely no effort to assimilate the immigrant population but nevertheless including them into their enlightened welfare states where equality is the new religion, they've really bent over nicely. I mean, ass tulips nicely. Noooooooobody expects the Turkish Inquisition.

[on the set of "Blood Ocean"]
Nathan: Before we take over and pillage the space planet Alpha Unero Seven we must pray to Space-o to go your turn...
Skwisgaar [inside echo-y space helmet with viking horns]: Yah, und da hayen but yats space soord oh nah we am zet sor el kalir.
Nathan: Yeah I know but maybe we'll find your father. [gesticulates with giant robot arm] Out there. Ok you go.
Skwisgaar: Well shwangs dat look at him fors a billion yearrr--
Director: --annnd, cut! That's just great! Skwisgaar, can I talk to you?
Skwisgaar: Huh?
Director: How are you feeling?
Skwisgaar: Yah cuts krin movings on! Dat's de one.
Director: Ok great, that's great! But, uh, huh...we're having a hard time making out what you're saying.
Skwisgaar [indignantly]: Likes what?
Director: Like, the words. [crew nods]
Skwisgaar [distressed]: Ahh, I can't say dose words any harder dan I tried. Ahh, don't know what to tell ya.
Director: Well, how about this, Skwisgaar. We'll make a deal. I'll direct as best as I can if you say them words as best as you can, really do it--
Pickles [standing next to director, wearing a karate gi]: I'm afraid you, uh, can't do dat if you, uh, read our contract you'd realize that you can't direct nor berate us because it, uh, sickens us. [deep breath] You're fired.
Director: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! I wasn't even trying to direct him! I was just trying to get him to speak clear! That's all, that's all!
Pickles [exasperated]: Yeah...that's a no-no. Y'know, in our contract, no approaching of any of us.
Nathan: Yeah. You knew that.
Director: So I'm...fired...
Toki [sitting in one of those movie chairs in a cowboy outfit]: Ah! Classic Hollywood! Now maybe you hangs yourself! Haha!
Director [thoughtfully]: Hang myself...hmm...

Steelers are on the path to finish with a winning record! To do that they have to beat the Panthers, Ravens, and Bengals. In that order. That'd be nice. That would get this early off-season rolling along nicely. And once we get there, let's move Casey Hampton to tailback. Bettis is the bus, Davenport is the dump truck, Hampton is the Big Rig. I'm starting a petition. Look in on the very close picks race I have with Zandar on http://www.needtogoforasafety.blogspot.com/

So I just picked up Twilight Princess, just after finishing Wind Waker. Despite the latter being nearly impossible to beat without serious help from Gamefaqs, it was fun and the nautical theme was interesting. That, and I like young Link's facial expressions. But Twilight Princess looks to be pretty cool. It looks kind of like Fable. Haven't done much in the way of actual gameplay yet so we'll see.

The process of applying to graduate school is a pain in the ass. And I think I'm going to cut my hair and the chops this weekend. Getting a little bored.

DX still makes me get out of bed each morning.

...And also, you know how Rocky is Philadelphia's greatest sports hero (save the possible exception of Allen Iverson)? Even though he's a fictional character? I get the same feeling about Vega from Street Fighter II. Every time I play with him I'm like, "yeah, Spain, bitches..."

Best Student Film Ever

2006-12-04T14:37:00.000-05:00

I've got two words for LJ...Sack it

2006-11-21T17:05:00.000-05:00

So the other dumb dildo blog host has decided to prevent me from posting, forever, unless I call my service provider and whine or something. It evidently doubts that I am not spam. Well, here's an error message for YOU, livejournal (no offense any of its users...I shall miss posting on your pages):

Your mom is detected as an openly diseased prostitute (a common source of the clap) so comment access is denied. If you do not believe you are accessing your mom through a transsexual chatroom, please contact your ISP or your mom's pr0n site's tech support to help resolve the problem. You d*ck.

From the Muck

2006-11-16T09:06:00.000-05:00

I last posted on here over two weeks ago. Damned if I'm going to let this blog fall into disrepair.

Allllll right! How's this computer work again...oh yeah. Just grab 'em in the biscuits.

Football! There's some stuff to say but I'll sandbag that for the Iron Grenadiers. Let me say it here, though, as well...

Super Bowl XLI: Bears 46, Patriots 10.

The stupid-ass election is finally over. The company wins as nearly all of its clients win, the face of Congress changes, I nearly snap and kill a vegan for ruining my friday, what with all the pent-up stress over spending 80 hours a week in here down the stretch and sacrificing every other aspect of my life (though I managed to not miss a single airing of Monday Night RAW). A Democratic Congress should be pretty entertaining, and probably beneficial in the long run. As in a free market economy, competition breeds quality. Time for the Dems to prove they've got a better product.

Shawn and Hunter, who, by the way, are saving the business, had some pretty money shenanigans this past Monday, like when Mr. Helmsley is perplexed by Cryme Tyme's ebonics and Mr. Michaels says "I'll handle this...I speak jive." Saving the business. I am quietly building up merch items for my fourth foray into DX consumer prostitution.

Speaking of consumer prostitution, I'm constantly fighting urges to buy a PS2 and both Guitar Hero games. They are very much the real deal, and replayability to the point where I get arthritis and it hurts too much to play. War Pigs? Thunderhorse? Shut up. Get out of my house.

Big things happening with Black Market Dynamite. We played a hawt show with Wavetaster a while back and are looking to do the same in December...either the 8th or the 15th (both are fridays). Some new material and covers coming together, the show's getting some meat on its bones. EDIT: CONFIRMED FOR DECEMBER 8th.

Murderface [in lotus position, chanting]: ...rrrreligionnnllllerrligionnhrrrrmmm...
Skwisgaar: This is dildos. Doesn't he knows there's no such things as religion?
Nathan: You mean you don't believe in God. There is such thing as religion.
Skwisgaar: Then proves it! Show me miracles that religion exists.
Nathan: Well, um...y'know, there's a bible, right there.
Skwisgaar: Well, maybe, I reevaluates.......my life.

Week 8 Picks

2006-10-27T12:56:00.000-04:00

Attorney: It has come to our attention that one of our employees is a major embezzler.
Nathan: AWWWWESOOOOOOME!...Right?
Toki: Ambezzul? What means that?
Pickles [drunk]: Ah, well, it's a super-awesome way of sayin' take...havin'...somethin'...(trails off)
Skwisgaar: Hey guys, I haves a good use of the word undbazzle, my lungs unsdbazzle the air from the earth. As I can breathe. It. Period.
Attorney: Well, I don't see the humor in any of this.
Skwisgaar: Aw lighten up mister dooms and gloom, imbazzle is metal.
Pickles [drunk still]: Well, who's the guy embezzling from anyway?
Attorney: Well, he is embezzling from you.
Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Well, I am getting an error message when I try to post on the football blog. So, in case it doesn't fix itself or in case I forget to try again, here are my Week 8 picks. But, barring future disaster, my picks and other grand football commentary posted by myself, Major Bludd, Dr. Mindbender, Zandar, and Metal-Head will be appearing on the newly formed Football Blog which can be reached at http://needtogoforasafety.blogspot.com/ or by clicking on the "Iron Grenadiers" link on the sidebar. Without further ado...

Frisco in Chi-Town
Time to eat Rice-a-Roni
Niners going down.

Hot time in Cincy
Vick can't play well on the road
I take the Bungles.

Leave 12th man at home
Seahawks go to Arrowhead
And they will lose there.

Two shitty teams play
But only one can prevail!
Titans. Whatever.

God bless Denny Green
With no pants and Wild Turkey
Sorry, Cardinals.

QB Gradkowski
Hey, he has a working spleen.
Regardless, Jints win.

Scobee isn't bad
But a sixty-two yarder?
Not this week. Birds own.

The Saints are ready
Ready for their first home loss
But they'll be ok.

My, how I would like
sixteen Chargers cheerleaders
Bolts emerge winners.

Cowher, on his own
versus the Oakland Raiders
Cowher, twelve to zip.

Denver D looks good
But Plummer can't keep the pace
With Peyton Manning.

I can make this fit
J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets
Ha, there, I did it.

T.O. benched Bledsoe
That team is marked for collapse
Dallas can s*ck it.

I miss the old days
Mike Tice, we hardly knew ye.
New England takes it.

Before there was Skwisgaar...

2006-10-25T10:18:00.000-04:00

...There was THOR VON CLEMSON!!!

Week Sebben & Sebben

2006-10-20T07:18:00.000-04:00

Ok here we go:

JETS
JOEY HARRINGTON
PHIL KEN SEBBEN
SAN DIEGO
CAROLINA
NEW ENGLAND
MICHAEL VICK WILL LOSE
JAGS
A RUNNING BACK NAMED BELL
NOT ENOUGH MANNING BUT THEY WIN ANYWAY
SEATTLE I GUESS
I WILL NEVER PICK OAKLAND TO WIN. EVEN AGAINST DENNY GREEN.
IT WILL TURN OUT THAT IT WASN'T A HOAX, DALLAS GETS BOMBED, BOTH TEAMS DIE. BUT THE GIANTS WILL HAVE BEEN WINNING WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

Sorry, Zandar, I'm just in a huge hurry and don't have time to carefully write out the team abbreviations in order of away-home and bold the winner. Only stream-of-consciousness picks this week. Good luck.

Murderface: We been talkin', Skwisgaar, and we think this whole production could be a lot more...mmmmmmmmmmmmm, zippy. It just, it needs zazz!
Skwisgaar: [stares]
Murderface: Am I, I mean, I'm right to say that--
Nathan: No. You're right--
Murderface:--right?
Nathan:--to say that. It's just, y'know, you could stand to zazz it up--
Pickles: No offense--
Nathan:--a little more.
Pickles:--Skwisgaar, but I gotta say, this whole thing, it, uh...it lacks zazz.
Toki: [whispering] Well put.
Murderface: Could you just, put it, on the zazz train to--
Toki: Yeah, because--
Murderface:--Zazzville.
Toki:--no offense, but there is absolutely no zazz to be found. Not here, anyway. Not in these--
Nathan: What we're--
Toki:--parts.
Nathan:--trying to say is that there's two different kinds of shows out there. Those with, and those--
Skwisgaar: Will you--
Nathan:--without.
Skwisgaar:--please stop saying "zazz"?
Nathan: Zazz.
Pickles: Zazz.
Skwisgaar: PLEASE stop saying "zazz"!
Pickles: Why don't you let us help you--
Murderface: Yeah, help--
Pickles:--out?
Murderface:--lighten the load, make it more zaaaaa--
Skwisgaar: [shoots daggers from eyes]
Murderface:--aaaaaaaohhhhhYOUknowww...

Week 5 Recap

2006-10-12T10:44:00.000-04:00

Breaking news courtesy of Zandar!

Skwisgaar: I dunno, Toki. Fatherhood is a strange bird. So much responsibility, and what are the rewards?
Toki: I suppose...I feel a sense of pride...knowing I helped raise him. So, there's that.
[thoughtful pause]
Toki: HERE'S A BUCKET OF HANKBURGERS AND A COUPLE OF BIG GULPS AND CRAPS YOU FAT TITS!!
Skwisgaar: Try not to choke you fat tub of sh*t. We loves you...

A million cheers for Zartan, who is now one of TWO ex-Bethledishu Cobra ops guys living in Africa whose blogs are linked to your right. Or, if the YouTube file I plan on putting in here takes up too much room, wayyyy at the bottom of the page and to your right. He said something about quitting, though, so who knows if that will be true come tomorrow.

I'm down in the dumps about the Steelers, but there's not much left to do but show up every week and support. Chiefs at home this week. Ugh. If we can't handle them, I really don't know what I'm going to do. At least they're finally playing a game at 1 pm so I can go to Starters. [Edit: Pythona has notified me that they are actually playing at 4:15. Whatever suck it. I'm going anyhow.]

BLACK MARKET DYNAMITE IS PLAYING THE FUNHOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, FRIDAY THE 13TH. WAVETASTER IS OPENING FOR US. IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY, REALLY COOL ASSUMING THAT MY FELLOW BAND MEMBERS DON'T DIE OF INFECTIOUS DISEASES. WEAR COSTUMES!

If all my components are procured in time, I'll be decked out in what may be the coolest narctober costume to date. Although I'll be one of perhaps four people within 100 miles who will get it, it will still rule. A teaser:

Ok, so the picks field seems to be narrowing amongst Team Cobra. Let's have a look, courtesy of Zandar:

Metal-Head: 13-1
Dr. Mindbender: 13-1
FOS: 11-3
Zandar: 11-3

Season:

Zandar: 56-18 (.757)
FOS: 53-21 (.716)
Metal-Head: 53-21 (.716)
Dr. Mindbender: 48-26 (.649)

Jet Laggregate (ESPN really woke up this week):

Zandar: 56-18
FOS: 53-21
Metal-Head: 53-21
Schlereth: 53-21
Jaworski: 52-22
Golic: 51-23
Hoge: 50-24
Salisbury: 50-24
Dr. Mindbender: 48-26
Allen: 48-26

Theismann: 42-27 (edge by winning pct)
Mortensen: 45-29

Week 5

2006-10-06T17:50:00.000-04:00

Man, after 7 hours on the road, I'm once again in somewhat poor shape to make well-informed picks. But I've been staying afloat all right by making picks under duress. Sober, I'm a bookie's dream, pretty much. Hiyoooooooooooo.

MIA vs. NE
TB vs. NO
WAS vs. NYG
DET vs. MIN
CLE vs. CAR
BUF vs. CHI
STL vs. GB
TEN vs. IND
NYJ vs. JAX
OAK vs. SF (prove me wrong, you pathetic losers.)
KC vs. ARI (Leinart bought me another week of faith in this team)
DAL vs. PHI
PIT vs. SD (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE prove me wrong!!)
BAL vs. DEN

I'm dissing the road teams this week. They can all s*ck it.

Week 4 Recap

2006-10-05T09:11:00.000-04:00

Black Market Dynamite just had its photo shoot at the hangar where the Knicks keep their private jet. They have a really nice plane. The mechanics let us go inside, they put us on the wing, they even started it up and rolled it out of the hangar for us. It pretty much ruled. Stay tuned.

Steelers didn't lose. Huzzah.

Zandar: 11-3
Metal-Head: 10-4
FOS: 10-4
Dr. Mindbender: 8-6

Faggregate vs. ESPN:

Zandar: 45-15
FOS: 42-18
Metal-Head: 40-20
Schlereth: 40-20
Jaworski: 39-21
Hoge: 38-22
Salisbury: 37-23
Golic: 37-23
Dr. Mindbender: 35-25
Allen: 35-25
Theismann: 32-24

By the way, for those who may not have watched this weeks' MNF, the network threw the following conversation piece into the moribund announcer booth: Who's the best NFL player to have come from Mississippi: Jerry Rice, Walter Payton, or Brett Favre? (stop giggling. wait, wait...) So Tirico hemms and haws for a moment, very diplomatically, and then says "Rice, then Payton, then Favre." And then Chicken Wing Theismann brilliant chips in his two cents, with little hesitation: "Rice, then Favre, then Payton." At that moment, you could see Tony Kornheiser flinch, like he wanted to choke him, but managed to stop himself and regain composure. I really hope that Wilbon held his nuts to the fire for not breaking Theismann's leg again. But no, Kornheiser would never attack a guy he has to call a game with every monday, and he would never defend such an asinine position. Probably they came to an agreement where Wilbon promises not to bring it up and gets paid $5,000 more every week until Favre retires.

Week 4

2006-09-29T17:36:00.000-04:00

So busy pretending to work and doing Chez Geek cards I forgot about this. I hope I don't miss my bus.

IND vs. NYJ (X)
NO vs. CAR (O)
MIN vs. BUF (X)
ARI vs. ATL (X)
SD vs. BAL (O)
MIA vs. HOU (O)
SF vs. KC (X)
DAL vs. TEN (X)
DET vs. STL (X)
JAX vs. WAS (X)
CLE vs. OAK (X)
NE vs. CIN (O)
SEA vs. CHI (X)
GB vs. PHI (X)

What would YOU do for a bunch of free Steelers crap?

2006-09-26T11:34:00.000-04:00

A couple of young entrepreneurs in Pittsburgh were running a wholesale fly-by-night clothing operation with the added bonus of giving away items for free to people who were willing to take a pie in the face. 'Nuff said.

What a miserable game, though. I heard that Big Ben was sick on gameday, AGAIN! While it's somewhat comforting that I have something to blame besides his in-game decision making, it's somewhat troubling that he's been sick for like five straight weeks. If he keeps trying to power through the pain he's gonna wind up like McNabb last year. Get better you jerk. The Verron Haynes fumble sucked huge nuts, but everybody makes mistakes and he doesn't make them that often. Furious as I am, I won't get on his case just because it couldn't have had worse timing (uh, actually, I guess I can a little bit. With the game on the line HOLD ON TO THE BALL YOU BASTARD). Ricardo Colclough, on the other hand, gets a Chinbutt To The Face for trying to return a football like it's a frisbee. It's amazing that even after one freak mistake, we had the chance to still atone for it and win. And with that opportunity, an even more careless mistake was made. Shame on all of you. Now go sit in the bye week corner and think about what you've done.

That was a small contribution to my overall sucky week of picks. New standings courtesy of Zandar:

Zandar: 11-3
FOS: 9-5
Metal-Head: 9-5
Dr. Mindbender: 7-7

ESPN:

Theismann: 7-6
Salisbury: 8-6
Hoge: 7-7
Jaworski: 8-6
Schlereth: 9-5
Allen: 9-5
Mortensen: 5-9
Golic: 7-7

Aggro Crag:

Zandar: 34-12
FOS: 32-14
Metal-Head: 30-16
Hoge: 30-16
Schlereth: 30-16
Salisbury: 28-18
Jaworski: 28-18
Allen: 28-18
Dr. Mindbender: 27-19
Golic: 27-19
Theismann: 26-17
Mortensen: 26-20

Week 3

2006-09-22T09:04:00.000-04:00

It's 9 AM and I am pretty pumped, getting to go to Pittsburgh for the first time in a long time this weekend and see F*ckface and my dear brother. Also I will be tailgating at the Pitt-Whoever game, testing out someone's new design of a mobile beer tap which I will be kicking field goals through:
Also this weekend is Celtic Classic. Leave it to Providence to deny me two of the three days of the year when I can wear a kilt on the streets of Bethlehem and actually be in the majority. Ah well. I'll make up for it Sunday afternoon.

I'm looking for the Steelers to dismember the Cincinnati Felons at home this week. They need some psychological validation. Oooooh! They need banana stickers.

Pickles: Wait, can we give ourselves a raise?
Nathan: Yeah. Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.
Pickles: Oh, dude! Then, you know, then I give myself a raise right now.
Skwisgar: Yeah I give me a raise too.
Toki: I give myself a solid gold telephone!
Murderface: I give myself a buncha boats...with a buncha Vietnamese people on 'em. On fire.

I think Toki is my favorite. On to the picks.

WAS vs HOU (X)
NYJ vs BUF (X)
GB vs. DET (O)
JAX vs. IND (O)
CHI vs. MIN (X)
TEN vs. MIA (X)
CIN vs. PIT (O)
CAR vs. TB (X)
BAL vs. CLE (X)
NYG vs. SEA (X)
STL vs. ARI (O)
PHI vs. SF (X)
DEN vs. NE (O)
ATL vs. NO

There's a couple of unlikely road winners there, I know. I nearly picked Denver, too, but regained control of my senses in time.
Degenerar hasta algo, cabron
Solo es cansado porque
haces lo que lo dicen, pero
son las rompitas, nino
son las rompitas, hombrecito
ROMPELO!
DEGENERACION EQUIS!!!!

(There ya go, Storm Shadow.)

Week 2 Recap

2006-09-19T09:15:00.000-04:00

The 120-hour birthdaython is finally over, and I have barely survived the event. Thanks go out to Pythona for planning such a brilliant party, as well as all the Crimson Guardsmen that turned up. Bonus points go out to Zandar for coming to Bethlehem on two separate occasions in one weekend, and also to Dr. Mindbender for trying to crack the manager's safe at Sheetz. Nobody is buying your crappy lie about looking for the bathroom.

Unforgiven turned out very unexpectedly, with Cena taking the gold and Nitro and the Spirit Squad retaining. The Hell In A Cell absolutely ruled, however. Absolutely. I continue to salivate uncontrollably when faced with consumer products like DX window clings and zipper pulls. When radical Islamists talk about the decadent Great Satan, surely he is talking about D-Generation X. That'd be a good one. Shawn Michaels and Triple H against Osama bin Laden and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad in a tables, ladders, and chairs match.

The Steelers lost to the Jags last night, 9-0 in a trench fight. We were shut out, but at least there's the dubious honor of having been involved in the lowest-scoring Monday night game in NFL history. Go Defense.

Anyway, here's where Team Cobra stands after Week 2 (This week's picks in parentheses):

Zandar: 23-9 (13-3)
FOS: 23-9 (11-5)
Metal-Head: 21-11 (10-6)
Dr. Mindbender: 20-12 (11-5)

And the skin flute masters over at ESPN:

Theismann: 19-11 (10-5)
Salisbury: 20-12 (11-5)
Hoge: 23-9 (13-3)
Jaworski: 20-12 (11-5)
Schlereth: 21-11 (13-3)
Allen: 19-13 (12-4)
Mortensen: 21-11 (14-2)
Golic: 20-12 (11-5)

So here's the aggregate:

Zandar: 23-9 (13-3)
Hoge: 23-9 (13-3)
FOS: 23-9 (11-5)
Mortensen: 21-11 (14-2)
Schlereth: 21-11 (13-3)
Metal-Head: 21-11 (10-6)
Salisbury: 20-12 (11-5)
Dr. Mindbender: 20-12 (11-5)
Jaworski: 20-12 (11-5)
Golic: 20-12 (11-5)
Allen: 19-13 (12-4)
Theismann: 19-11 (10-5)

Week 2

2006-09-15T09:27:00.000-04:00

I have to drive to places today. I'm not very awake yet but that might be the best state of mind to make my picks...

TB at ATL (X)
DET at CHI (X)
CLE at CIN (X)
NO at GB (X)
HOU at IND (X)
BUF at MIA (X)
CAR at MIN (O)
NYG at PHI (O)
OAK at BAL (X)
STL at SF (O)
ARI at SEA (O)
KC at DEN (X)
NE at NYJ (X)
TEN at SD (X)
WAS at DAL (X)
PIT at JAX (O)

Benny will play, and Cowher is brilliant on Mondays.

Week 1 Recap (Attn: Zartan)

2006-09-12T11:13:00.000-04:00

I don't know how often Zartan gets to do his internetting, but I thought I'd throw in a quick note to our man in Cameroon (or Kamerun, if the Kaiser is reading). Hope all is going well over there. Your friends are all morons living in denial if they write off the Guevara/Castro/Beard theory. It's not just conspiracy fluff. It is a very real threat.

Our little crew did a pretty good jorb with the picks. Tabulations courtesy of Zandar.

FOS: 12-4
Metal-Head: 11-5
Zandar: 10-6
Dr. Mindbender: 9-7

Comparatively, here's how the purported experts from ESPN did:

Theismann: 9-6 (he's not allowed to call the Monday games)
Salisbury: 9-7
Hoge: 10-6
Jaworski: 9-7
Schlereth: 8-8
Allen: 7-9
Mortensen: 7-9
Golic: 9-7

And, of course:

BILL SIMMONS: 6-10 (picking against the Patriots, for once!)
BILL SIMMONS' WIFE: 7-9

Week 1

2006-09-07T10:27:00.000-04:00

MIA at PIT (X)
BAL at TB (O)
ATL at CAR (X)
DEN at STL (X)
BUF at NE (X)
PHI at HOU (X)
NO at CLE (X)
SEA at DET (X)
NYJ at TEN (O)
CIN at KC (O)
CHI at GB (X)
SF at ARI (X)
DAL at JAX (X)
IND at NYG (X)
MIN at WAS (O)
SD at OAK (X)

Zandar and Metal-Head are in on the game. Let's see how we stack up against ESPN's funnymen.

I hate Finland. I'm gonna need 100 beers.

2006-09-05T13:25:00.000-04:00

John Cena, in answering his Fifth Question this week, just used the phrase "60% of the time, it works every time." That doesn't make sense. And for the record, his 5 Questions segment on the WWE website is a funny way to waste 10 minutes. Although since they started splitting it into five separate clips, with an unskippable merch promo in front of each, it's a little bit more of a pain-in-the-butt for the At Work Kru.

In Rasslin' Fantasy news, the points aren't out for this week till Saturday, but I'm pretty sure I had a profitable evening last night on RAW. The downside is that all I have for the rest of the week is Big Show. Hopefully my gamble will pay off. Zandar made a nice move in picking up Triple H and Mindbender did some roster shuffling to try and close the distance.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to Big Ben, who got an emergency appendectomy the other day. Hines Ward had a similar operation a ways back and expects him to be back for Week 2. As he is the only starter gone, I still feel optimistic for the season opener vs. Miami on thursday. Dolphins can suck it.

Holy Crap, I just was reading Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrada's (he's so entertaining. haha.) rant about the upcoming match with Kane and realized that Unforgiven will be taking place on my birthday. ARE YOU READY???? Cos if you're not...

Metalocalypse remains the coolest thing to happen to television recently, although I didn't think "Dethkomedy" was its best effort. Still drinking 5-7 cups of coffee a day, thenkyooverramuch.

I am still in love with Killer7. I will pretty much always be in love with Killer7, and if it had fingers I'd put a ring on one of them. Sometime today I'll get around to running off that massive plot analysis, after which I will huddle under my blankets with a flashlight and ponder it. And I'm seriously wanting to dress up as Dan Smith for Halloween. Well, I'm pretty much just wanting to just be Dan Smith all the time. I dunno, we'll see how that goes. I might end up as Vyvyan again if the rest of the band goes with the whole show theme, or as God knows what else. Seriously though, if you own a Gamecube or PS2 and have eight bucks lying around you need to buy this game. It deserves your money and you deserve to have your brain raped.

And if Mistress Armada goes and eats my kid with a spork and straw, then she can go right ahead and forget about those semi-regular five-buck child-support payments. Which I'm sure she's grown dependent on over there in Camden.

We Came Here To Make Coffee Metal (cont.)

2006-08-24T12:24:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while I get a bunch of thoughts together that have no cohesive theme, but that I feel are post-worthy. Let's see how many I can dredge up today...

-I bought Killer7 for my 'Cube because there were a few veiled plugs for it in Resident Evil 4 and it was on super-discount in the GameStop used bin. But man, did I get more than I bargained for. Playing it is like playing Doom while listening to Christopher Walken read Kafka's "The Trial" on Books on Tape and using your feet to shop for interesting clothing online simultaneously. The absolute weirdness of it all horrifies, and yet transfixes.

-I'm sure the hype surrounding Bill Cowher's future is manufactured by the "Aw God T.O. Isn't Causing Enough Trouble This Offseason What Are We Gonna Talk About" ESPN subcommittee. Nevertheless, I hope when the season is over and the time comes to discuss the matter, they'll figure out a way to keep him. Till the end of his life. His daughters are all in college anyway, right? He's not missing out on that much time with his family...aw, shucks. Do what you gotta do, Chin. But I swear, if you retire and then get the itch and come back to coach the Ravens, I'll f*cking kill you.

-Brilliant in-ring ability is important. But the way to a championship is through the microphone.

-Since hearing the Duncan Hills jingle, and more pointedly, downloading it from the Dethklok website, I have been drinking like 6 cups of coffee a day.
Toki: you would rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink??
Murderface: YEAH!!!
Toki: Wowee!

-I just discovered a street in Somerset, Pennsylvania, zip code 15501, the sign of which I must, must, MUST have my picture taken next to in an appropriate pose...TRIPLE H LANE.

The Crimson Guard

2006-08-16T15:12:00.000-04:00

Of course, that is the name of my Fantasy Football team this year. Current starters are italicized. One QB, Two RBs, Two WRs, One RB/WR, One TE, One K, One D. This will be mostly for Metal-Head's interest.

Quarterback
Michael Vick
Philip Rivers

Running Back
Steven Jackson
Reggie Bush
T.J. Duckett

Wide Receiver
Hines Ward
Antwaan Randle El
Lavernues Coles (RB/WR)
Nate Burleson
Brandon Stokley

Tight End
Heath Miller
Dallas Clark

Kicker
Mike Vanderjagt

Defense
Pittsburgh

Patty Hearst Heard the Burst

2006-08-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

Firstly, a welcome is extended to the newest Crimson Guardsman to jump on board the Terrordrome, Firefly. Actually he's jumping way the hell off board, to Kenya, as a matter of fact. Yes, after landing a cushy job based in Las Vegas that involved traveling the world over staying at five-star resorts for free and maintaining their infrastructural software, he decided that was boring and not a perfectly awesome thing to do until one is dead. He will be doing some kind of crazy computer shit for a Safari tour in Kenya and Sudan until he can take over the company, then we will have an embedded launch point for sabotage and other covert activities in the Near East. It's really quite perfect, and I plan on meeting up with him in Mombasa at some point in the coming year to check on his progress and, y'know, maybe drink some gin in a barroom there. Regardless of where Zartan is, I will be seeking his services as bodyguard.

Kudos to the Brits and the Pakis for stopping Operation Bojinka, take 2. Interesting to note that a majority of these would-be mass-murdering douchebags are British nationals from reasonably prosperous families. Also, while all of them are muslims, a few of them are recent converts. I conclude from this that we have just as much, if not more, to fear from bored Islamic twentysomethings sitting around after college in their flats in Surrey kind of pissed that they didn't get into the career they wanted and desperately looking for something with which to justify their own existences. Hell, it makes perfect sense to me. I've had my share of life-goal setbacks and, in moments of despair, have vowed that if I run out of options I will turn to a Life Of Crime (exactly what sort of crime I'm not sure...at least in its early stages, it would involve firearms). If I were muslim I could totally see that plan being altered slightly into Sticking It To The Great Satan.

Tonight is the LHS Fantasy Football draft. There's going to be beer there and stuff but I have opted to bring my remaining half-bottle of Fighting Cock which I plan on munging by the sixth round. I was hoping to break my knee-jerk impulse to have at least eight Steelers on my roster, but with ol' FC around I might have to hope for next year.

P.P.S. for the Codger-Munging crew [shudder] [vomit], click on the ScavHunt link in the previous post and check out item 299. I say we have a contest.

Attn: Listers

2006-08-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

It seems these are all the rage these days.

MY TOP 20 LISTS LIST

20. Playboy Magazine's Top 25 Party Schools List
This is on here because Lehigh University regularly makes it on Playboy's legendary list, and I'm one of those people who will scream wildly whenever anybody says "What's Up Bethlehem!!" at a concert. I'm told that at one point in time, Lehigh occupied the top spot. As of the most recent census, it was at 23. Bad form, Engineers. Although I doubt Hef's scouts were around for the awe-inspiring trash-burning and beer-ponging alley party during that huge blizzard last year.

19. The Ten Commandments
Whatever your views on the subject of religion, this little compilation is the second-oldest surviving code of laws and much better known and quoted than the oldest, that of Hammurabi. Thus it's the foundation for all order in world society. Pretty cool, although if Lehigh had broken the top ten in the #20 list, I probably would have bumped this back. Haha, chaos rules. Also without the Ten Commandments we would never have had Yul Brynner saying "Where is your god now, Moses?"

18. Dr. Mindbender's Indispensable NES Games List
I don't remember when he posted this, or really what most of the games were, but it inspired me to go on a deep introspective of my own own NES experience and create my all-time Top 10 list (I won't be including any of my own lists on this list, but this is as close to a proxy as any will come), which I thoroughly enjoyed.

17. Zartan's Stereo Agency Holiday Wish List
Zartan came to see our early December show at the Wildflower in Bethlehem and came up with a list of things we would like to see happen to the band. So far, we are batting .750 on that (we got the bassist, the visuals got less busy, there's more cohesive scratching...just waiting on that M83 album), so long as you consider us the same group. And let's not kid ourselves, really.

16. Woodrow Wilson's Fourteen Points
What's not to love? No more "private international understandings" (secret alliances & deals). No trade embargos. National armaments reduced to the "lowest point consistent with domestic safety". Colonial self-determination. Send fruit baskets to the Bolsheviks. Take Belgium away from Italy. Pull the plug on the life-support systems of the Ottoman empire. Make Poland gigantic and give it a tiny little prosperous path to the sea that the Germans will, in their furious bitterness, promise not to take back by force, ever. And, of course, the formation of the League of Nations, later to implode from within due to doping scandals.

15. Netscape.com's Top 10 Southern Belles
Rowr.

14. VH1's Top 100 Awesomely Bad Songs
I think Michael Ian Black owns majority stock in VH1, which is fine really cos he's a pretty funny guy. At least, he's pretty funny for the volume I receive him in, which is approximately one viewing per month. Seasoned VH1 viewers may have put out several unsuccessful hits on him by now. Anyway, this list is great. And the videos that accompany the items on it are often just as great. Ring-a-ding-a-ding-dang-dooooooooo.

13. Tsikitas Retreakend's Top 100 Movie Lists En Masse
Nine freaking hours, holy f*cking crapola. There were, what, nine of us? Limited discussion on each entry? If I was Jack Spacely Tsikitas I would have entered the room at 8 am in tighty whities carrying a pair of tactical machine pistols and taken care of bidness. Unbelievable. My "Flix to See" list grew sevenfold, fortunately, Destro appears to have most of those at the castle. I just need to set aside the time, really.

12. My iPod's Top 25 Most Played List
Guaranteed I will always dig it. Currently occupying the top spots are Naked Pictures, International Spy, and the training montage from Spy Game.

11. Power 99's Top 9 @ 9
It's an oldies station now, but as lads sharing a bedroom my brother and I were all about this pop station and especially the nightly countdown. Vanilla Ice, LL Cool J, and that freakin' "Bartman" song. Oh yeah and MC Hammer. Damn. That's how I kept it real back at SSJ.

10. Calvin's (of "Calvin & Hobbes") list of A Million Things That Bug Him
He only got up to, I think, #3 before Hobbes said something incisively witty that provoked a chase/fight scene, but as an 11-year-old reading this for the first time it gave me something fun to imitate during my free moments in school. I may have gotten as far as 500.

9. Senator Joseph McCarthy's List of Commies
For those of you who don't know the history behind the term "McCarthyism", he was a crazy mofo from Wisconsin who started making waves one day by waving a piece of paper during a legislative session that, he claimed, had the names of 57 known communists scrawled upon it, all of whom were employed at the highest levels of the State Department and were very bad people. This riled everybody up and crazy sh*t went down until various committees and commissions finally unearthed the truth, which was that there was, in fact, nothing at all written on McCarthy's piece of paper, that the paper was actually a handkerchief, and that there is no such place as Wisconsin.

8. Major Bludd's Top 10 Memories from His College Years
Several of them are my own as well, and recalled just as fondly.

7. List of All Political Parties Officially Registered For In The State of Pennsylvania
None of this is made up. The highlights (in alphabetical order): The Birthday Party, Fascist Party, Facist Party (I am changing my registration to this, by the way), Grand Metacosmos Party, Halloween Party, I Don't Know Party, Interesting Party, Jedi Party, Keg Party, Might As Well Party, Mark Is God Party, Pumpkin Party, Principality of Zion Party, Skyhook Party, S.Q.U.I.D. Party, Whig Party, and the Wild Party.

6. Chris Curry's Shopping List
I haven't lived with that guy in a couple years but I guarantee that no matter what week you check it, it will be gold. I'm thinking it would likely include items like "100 Gallons of Well Water That I Personally Drive To Sullivan County And Back To Get" and "Cement 'n Milk Brekkie Cereal". Ooh, and don't forget "Individually Washed Ham Slices".

5. Chubbles' Top 1000 Songs List
I don't have the slightest recollection what was on this thing. But he put this thing together, carefully, at a time when only the super-rich had the internet and even then, there wasn't much you could do with it. I had enough trouble putting together my top 100 Beck songs, and he is my all-time favorite artist. I could never conceive of taking on a project like this. Even if I could name 1000, I could never accurately arrange them in order of preference. I mean, there would be days where he would run to his computer just so he could move a certain song up from 743 to 741. It's been like twelve years and my hat is still off.

4. Casey Kasem's Top 40
There was a good long stretch, from 8th grade through junior year of high school, where it was an obsession of Chubbles' and mine to meticulously track the movement of songs on this list, week to week. It would usually take about four hours and the interim period filled with one-on-one Dungeons & Dragons, MTG, or whatever computer game was big with us at the time (Doom/Quake, Civilization, Descent, etc.). This, plus the #5 list, pushed me to start making lists of my own. A major cornerstone of my formative years.

3. Homestar Runner's List That He Chooses To Recite On "The Show"
"tetherball"
"Olympic race"
"sparkling"
"Tim Duncan"
"Wisconsin"
"a book of matches"
"next week"
"a lot of money"
"witch's br--"

2. The Aggregate List of the Zandar/Major Bludd/FOS Beck Till You Smash Xtravaganza
Beck Till You Smash redefined the way lists should be created. Cases of Beck's and multiple bottles of whiskey ensured that the proper themes would become entrenched in the creation process. I've already discoursed at great length about the event and the list in past posts, as have the other participants. Refer to them. Truck Drivin' Neighbors Singing It Again...damn. Second Best Damn List Ever.

1. University of Chicago ScavHunt 2003 Item List
Ricksha drivers harrassing the innocents of Hyde Park. OmBudsMen surrounded by sultry secretaries in the middle of quads. Mario Brothers on the Comiskey Park Megatron. Lasers projecting spots on the moon. Centrifuges and miniature nuclear reactors. Massive outdoor keg parties sanctioned by the university complete with campus cops blocking city cops from entering. Real-life Mario Kart. It is one of my all-time most rewarding experiences, those five days I spent in South Chicago engaging in this festival of chaos with Chubbles and the rest of Team Phoenix. We took the gold, you better believe it. The complete list is here. Some of the items I was involved in: 4, 30 (I drove the RickJamesSha), 81 (I played the part of Juvenile)...f*ck this, it will take way too long to specify which ones I had my hand in. I remember building a Giant Boob that was to be piloted, Flinstones-style, into a Giant ZZZ Cup. I led a bunch of whores into a locals bar dressed as a pimp. I DJed the all-ScavHunt Kegger. I lost my mind and found it again. Please, just glance over this list. You may get an inkling of what I mean when I say this is the best list I have ever experienced.

The State College Gig Got Cancelled (don't worry, it's not much of a college town)

2006-07-24T19:14:00.000-04:00

I went to the State College "Brewfest" (Beer Party) with the ol' Liberty HS gang this past weekend. Very little sleep, but lots of beer from every corner of the globe. Also Mario Soccer with Philip. Nobody told me there were gigantic bombs involved.

Couple favorites...

It's tough representing DX when you're trying to hold a beer program and a filled sampler glass in one hand. As for the other one, I feel no need to say anything.

Leo 7 = Harold the Hoopty Car

2006-07-18T13:21:00.000-04:00

Blogspot is being retarded and not letting me upload pictures. Poss due to their objectionable nature. Whatever suck it.

Once again, Black Market Dynamite's debut is in a week and a half on Saturday, July 29th at the Funhouse. We have a purevolume page that is better than the one provided in the last post. By show day, we will have our own website at www.blackmarketdynamite.com (nothing there yet).

Ok, so the Fifth Biannual Letreakend was a rollicking success. Chronologically:

1) Wednesday nite, fellow Black Marketeer Dirty Bomb and I went down to rendezvous with the Crimson Guard at the Khyber for Electric Six. Despite the slave-ship conditions, the show was raucously good as expected and I made off with Tait? Nucleus' setlist and cigarette butt, and Dick Valentine's dollar bill, which I got autographed. (Metal-Head, keep a weather eye out for that...) But, as an unexpected consequence, my cell phone died from being saturated in my sweat. I'm hoping to get that looked at by Verizon this week sometime.

2) Retreakend primer at Zandar's base in Weehawken. Finishing the Norlen's Friday mix, videogaming in all manner of bits, and sharpening my understanding of the rules of Chez Geek.

3) Finally got to catch up with an old roommate and his ball-n-chain, whose quirks and culinary skills I have sorely missed. Right in the middle of ghetto-ass West Philly. That was long overdue.

3) The REAL DEAL. Major Bludd and Metal-Head have done a fine jorb summing up the weekend, so what more can I add to that, really? A couple things, I guess...
--Chez Geek was an even greater success than I imagined it might be.
------Kudos to Metal-Head for the clutch expansion-pack acquisition mission.

--Secret Mixes were excellent. No codename exists for the one who made mine, but it is a fine piece of mixery and an interesting look at the divine from the perspective of the demonic (Stay away from my son, you).

--Thrift and Vinyl yielded somewhat less treasure than previous Letreakends, but I did come away with a copy of Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual". Everyone do the Carlton till the dawn.

--Despite having a thoroughly deplorable round of Apples to Apples myself, it was still great times, not least for the remarkable rookie performance of the aforementioned old roommate. The Beck Lyrics round was classic and he quickly grasped the insatiable hunger for irony shared by most of the judges.

--SONIC BURGER IS YOUR GOD.

--The overall salesmanship of the constant brawling, as well as hink and crotch-chop ambushes, was a beautiful thing to behold. The fight with Major Bludd on the side of Route 30, and the subsequent visit from a county police officer, was certainly a jewel of the weekend.

Crotch Chops on a Plane

2006-07-10T12:54:00.000-04:00

Latest news from Zartan in Cameroon: He ate a Black Mamba in a rusted-out crashed 747 fuselage. That's right. He ate a snake on a plane.

The project has a name. The project's first show will be on Saturday, July 29th at the Funhouse. If you want to listen to some previews of the project's work, go here. (Disregard the whole "quadratic" thing.)

Important wrasslin' news:

1. In WWE, DX had yet another field day harrassing McMahon, setting new standards for sophomoric behavior ("freshmanic" as Storm Shadow put it). I was filled with feelings of great joy and crotches were liberally chopped in good measure.

2. Over in ECDub land, Sabu got fined and RVD got suspended for getting into character. More details on Zandar's website. Bad news for ECDub as a whole, which was putting an awful lot of eggs in the Van Dam basket.

3. After spending several days thinking of ways to fill the vacuum left by the suspension of RVD, ECDub recovers lost ground with interest, finding a new top dog and sending ECDub into the worldwide market after Paul Heyman convinces retiring French striker Zinedine Zidane to join the stable. Footage of this brilliant heel-turn can be found on Zandar's or Major Bludd's pages.

P. P. S. Just kidding about Zartan, but he really did eat a Black Mamba that his host family had caught in the garden.

(updated)...Are you ready...

2006-06-23T09:15:00.000-04:00

BREAK IT DOWN!

A buttload of booyah and crotch chopping, that's what this weekend was.

Donated my JBLs to Sokols. Expect the speakers to no longer crackle when anybody plays 6703 or 6706.

Bussed down to Philly on Saturday, wandered around South Street and finalized my Beck top 100 over an iced coffee at Starbuck's. Major Bludd picked me and some South Street Souvlaki up in a flawlessly executed tactical op and we lollygagged around till Zandar got off of work, and the bloodbath began amid (what else) a case of Beck's and a bottle of Basil Hayden. For those of you not familiar with the rules, we take turns reading off our top 100 Beck songs, and whenever a dispute arises over song placement, we settle it with a round of Super Smash Bros. that is approximately as long as the song in question, which we listen to during the fracas.

My List:
100. Flavor (John Spencer's song featuring Beck)
99. Earthquake Weather
98. Motherf*ker
97. Black Balloon
96. Whiskey-Faced Radioactive Blow-dryin' Lady (or something)
95. Ozzy
94. Special People
93. Diamond Bollocks (I know. I know. Shut up whatever suck it.)
92. Satan Was Way Cool
91. Scarecrow
90. Tough Fuckin' Shit
89. Sing It Again
88. Atmospheric Conditions
87. No Money No Honey
86. Whiskeyclone Hotel City 1997
85. Tasergun
84. Steve Threw Up
83. Bottle of Blues
82. Puttin' It Down
81. See Water
80. Forcefield
79. Rental Car
78. Tropicalia
77. Farewell Ride
76. Salt In The Wound
75. Clap Hands
74. Fume
73. Pink Noise (Rock Me Amadeus)
72. CHAIN REACTION
71. Mixed Bizness
70. Girl
69. Runners Dial Zero
68. He's A Mighty Good Leader
67. One Foot In The Grave
66. Bogusflow
65. SA-5
64. Burro
63. Que Onda Guero
62. Sexx Laws
61. Sunday Sun
60. Cancelled Check
59. Truckdrivin' Neighbors Downstairs
58. The Cut 1/2 Blues
57. Clock
56. Brother
55. Send A Message To Her
54. Emergency Exit
53. Fuckin' With My Head
52. Black Tambourine
51. Broken Train
50. Diskobox
49. Lord Only Knows
48. I Get Lonesome
47. Asshole
46. Thunderpeel
45. Pay No Mind
44. Blah Blah Blah Blah
43. Today Has Been A Fucked Up Day
42. Leave Me On The Moon
41. Lazy Flies
40. Paper Tiger
39. Oh Maria
38. Devil's Haircut
37. Jackass
36. Burnt Orange Peel
35. Hell Yes
34. Cyanide Breathmint
33. Baby (Static)
32. Halo of Gold
31. Deadweight
30. E-Pro
29. Hollywood Freaks
28. The Golden Age
27. Cold Brains
26. Sissyneck
25. High 5 (Rock the Catskills)
24. Beercan
23. Hollow Log
22. Heartland Feelings
21. Corvette Bummer
20. Feather In Your Cap
19. Arabian Nights
18. Go It Alone
17. Missing
16. Outcome
15. Satan Gave Me A Taco
14. Little Drum Machine Boy
13. Electric Music and the Summer People
12. Debra
11. Guess I'm Doing Fine
10. The New Pollution
9. Novacaine
8. Nobody's Fault But My Own
7. Cold Ass Fashion
6. Soul Suckin' Jerk
5. Hotwax
4. Nicotine & Gravy
3. Where It's At
2. Loser
1. MTV Makes Me Wanna Smoke Crack

Cap'n's Log (List owner, song disputed, place, winners marked in bold):

Major Bludd - Corvette Bummer - 100 - Handicap vs. FOS
Zandar - E-Pro - 100 - Handicap vs. Zandar
FOS - Earthquake Weather - 99 - Handicap vs. FOS
Major Bludd - Sing It Again - 99 - Zandar vs. Major Bludd
Zandar - Chain Reaction - 98 - Handicap vs. Zandar

(After this point, we tweaked the handicap rules to be a bit less advantageous to the underdog)

Major Bludd - Truckdrivin' Neighbors Downstairs - 97 - Major Bludd vs. FOS
Zandar - Go It Alone - 97 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Major Bludd - Leave Me On The Moon - 96 - FOS vs. Major Bludd
FOS - Diamond Bollocks - 93 - Handicap vs. FOS
Zandar - High 5 (Rock the Catskills) - 93 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Major Bludd - Milk & Honey - 91 - Major Bludd vs. Zandar
Major Bludd - Oh Maria - 90 - Handicap vs. Major Bludd
Zandar - Beercan - 90 - Handicap vs. Zandar

Zandar, defending the honor of Sing It Again (89 on FOS's list), is retroactively challenged by FOS to answer for his low placement of Truckdrivin' Neighbors Downstairs (88 on Zandar's list). This is resolved by a five-minute round during which both songs are played on repeat simultaneously. Results = glorious, and Zandar wins the match.

FOS - Whiskeyclone Hotel City 1997 - 86 - Handicap vs. FOS
Major Bludd - Midnite Vultures - 84 - Major Bludd vs. Zandar
FOS - Bottle of Blues - 83 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Zandar - Broken Train - 82 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Zandar - Fuckin' With My Head - 81 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Major Bludd - Sleeping Bag - 79 - Zandar vs. Major Bludd
FOS - Tropicalia - 78 - Handicap vs. FOS
Major Bludd - Heartland Feelings - 78 - Major Bludd vs. FOS
Zandar - Nitemare Hippie Girl - 80 - Zandar vs. Major Bludd vs. FOS
Zandar - Dead Melodies - 78 - Zandar vs. Major Bludd vs. FOS
FOS - Farewell Ride - 77 - FOS vs. Major Bludd
Major Bludd - Diskobox - 77 - Handicap vs. FOS
Zandar - We Live Again - 77 - Zandar vs. Major Bludd
Major Bludd - Cold Brains - 76 - Handicap vs. Major Bludd
Major Bludd - Brother - 69 - Major Bludd vs. Zandar vs. FOS
Zandar - Missing - 67 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Zandar - New Pollution - 66 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Zandar - Satan Gave Me A Taco - 64 - Zandar vs. FOS
Zandar - Cold Ass Fashion - 63 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Zandar - Sissyneck - 60 - Zandar vs. FOS
Major Bludd - Electric Music and the Summer People - 59 - FOS vs. Major Bludd
Zandar - Lost Cause - 59 - Zandar vs. Major Bludd vs. FOS
FOS - Black Tambourine - 52 - Handicap vs. Major Bludd
FOS - Lord Only Knows - 49 - Handicap vs. FOS
FOS - Lazy Flies - 41 - Zandar vs. FOS
Major Bludd - Where It's At - 40 - Handicap vs. Major Bludd
FOS - Devil's Haircut - 38 - Handicap vs. FOS
Major Bludd - Hotwax - 38 - FOS vs. Major Bludd
FOS - Hell Yes - 35 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Zandar - MTV Makes Me Wanna Smoke Crack - 34 - Handicap vs. Zandar
Major Bludd - Soul Suckin' Jerk - 32 - Handicap vs. Major Bludd
FOS - Hollywood Freaks - 29 - Handicap vs. FOS
Zandar - Hotwax - 28 - Zandar vs. FOS
Major Bludd - Loser - 23 - Handicap vs. Major Bludd

The last battle of the evening happens as a result of Major Bludd challenging FOS's placement of Debra at #12. FOS retroactively challenges Major Bludd's placement of Nicotine and Gravy, which is around #17 or something like that. Zandar jumps into the fight on Major Bludd's side, and again, the match is played while both songs played simultaneously. The results are even better than the first mash-up and FOS wins the match.

And then, uh, heh heh. Dr. Mindbender picked me up and we went back to B-town to listen to the new Quadragency Dynamite demos and jam out some, which we did despite the efforts of ALL THE BUSES to stymie our designs. And THEN...

We were joined by Pythona, Storm Shadow, and some others for the Vengeance PPV. Once it finally got ordered, it was pretty decent. The best match, pound for pound, was Nitro-Benjamin-Carlito, but of course, for me, it was really just all building up to the last event. It was all I hoped it would be. Shawn Michaels looked pretty damn good for a guy rumored to be asking for a "lighter schedule". I sported a new D-Generation X tee and we got some custom green-n-black shots made. And now, one X for each crotch chop that occurred this weekend:

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

(Rough Approximation)

Metal-Head Retreat Weekend is approaching. Christ.

Drive-by shooting, pitchfork in the face

2006-06-14T15:16:00.000-04:00

hors d'oeuvre...

BECK TILL YOU SMASH promises to be quite an interesting and drunkenly violent meeting of the region's top Beck fans. I have much work to do on my Smash skills, though.

Spain over Ukraine, 4-0. Quite a different start than usual for the national squad. I love the historical animosities that occasionally see embodiment on the "football pitch", for example, Spain v. Tunisia or Saudi Arabia will rehash the Moorish invasion...Will Saladin prevail, or El Cid? Germany v. Poland is happening right now. Algerhiss. I have a going tiff with an Englishman pal about the Armada...Spain v. England will result in some bloodshed. And a lot of drinking. Probably won't happen, though. I think they'll end up in opposite brackets.

My best and worst thoughts are simultaneously with Big Ben. You idiot, you idiot, you idiot. Please get well soon. Maybe having a permanently disfigured face will be good for him, though. It will give him a new mystique: no longer the pretty lil' wonderkind, he will become the hellish mutant pirate marauder with a tormented past and unlimited, steely nerves.

wha-pshhh ee-oo ee-oo brdrdrdrdrdrdrdrdrd

2006-05-24T15:14:00.000-04:00

So yeah. A really, really quality post-primary weekend, I must say, which incorporated a great many of my favorite things. Major Sebastian Bludd volunteered to take on the responsibilities of military entourage and bodyguard for the duration, and figures prominently into many of the events.

The chronicle of events begins, of course, on thursday evening, with the tale of The 'Buuk and the Manatee. After pregaming at Castle Destro with its lord and the Baroness, then visiting with Darklon and her thugs for a spell, Bludd and I headed to Der Shteelgaarten (mit der Hildegaard) to drink really stiff beverages and shoot pool (badly). At last call, I went to score some last drinks and when I returned, Bludd had somehow struck up a conversation with two females, after whom this story is named. End result? A cutie gets targeted for a rear delivery of Good n' Plenty and a sea cow gets run over by a speedboat.

Friday, the mean hangover dissipates after several hilarious recountings of the previous evening's events and a long drive to Weehawken while listening to every song Beck ever wrote in alphabetical order. The most enlightening part of the weekend then occurred as Bludd and I played chess while I was introduced to Quadrophenia for the first time. Afterwards we watched the shenanigans and genius of John Entwistle and Keith Moon ("...can you get on with it? Can you keep it...keep it together?"). I learned that Moon died of an overdose on the pills he'd been prescribed to defeat his serious alcohol problem.

Then it was Kevner's house party. Here is when things seriously began to spiral out of control. Everything was fine, the gin was flowing and the dancing was improper, until I believed some property stolen and decided to resent all strangers at the party because of it. This earned one poor unsuspecting douche (yes, I was wrong to do what I did to him, but he was still a douche) a face full of hostile Cobra Commander for pandering to an internationalist. Later, I nearly lost it on the entire apathetic staff of a WaWa. Yet, somehow, the night ended disaster-free.

Saturday nicely rounded everything off. Barbecue at Zandar's featuring Basa Nova, and Norlen freaking showed up. Apples to Apples (Brokeback The Vatican) followed by Mario Soccer followed by my introduction to Risk followed by Resident Evil 4 followed by learning how to play Smash Bros (Samus is my girl) sums up what was roughly a 12-hour period of gaming and overall companionship. When the dust settled, it was Bludd and I, too exhausted to sleep and unable to stop laughing at everything. And then Zandar's sister made us french toast.

danno is offline. danno is online. danno is typing. danno has entered text. danno is typing. danno is pretending not to type. danno is mutilating his keyboard. danno is bleeding on his output. danno is dying. danno is typing. danno is sprawled on the keyboard. danno is faking it. danno wants his supervisor's job. danno is typing. danno is algerhissing. danno is back to life.

[Crotch Chop]

2006-05-23T11:09:00.000-04:00

Well, it certainly wasn't a good time to be a Pennsylvania incumbent. No amount of dragging their opponents through the mud could top the extent to which they had already dragged themselves through filthier mud. Sure, I get paid, and if I get paid I'll work to the best of my ability to the ends stated by them what paid me, but good riddance and f*ck off--not to all incumbents, but the ones who became career politicians and apparently felt they were able to pull of such a fleecing with impunity. Either they believe PA voters to be morons or they are morons themselves. In any case, they are unfit for office. And that goes for the rest of the government, without which the pay raise and the similarly-shadily-passed gambling bill could not have proceeded. Whether the same chickens will come home to roost for Rendell and the judges remains to be seen, though. No offense, Mistress Armada.

I encourage everyone to visit the blog of the new COBRA chauffeur, (Alger) H.I.S.S. Driver. He works as a dispatcher for a D.C. cab company and has some very funny anecdotes about some incredibly stupid/annoying people. Kudos to Zartan for the introduction.

Bulletin

2006-05-04T14:44:00.000-04:00

Just in case anybody wonders why I have been posting so seldom lately, it's election season and the requests for slaughtered reputations is at a biannual high. Primary elections are May 16th. Much more leisure time after that, hopefully.

P.S. DX will rise again. Lee Ho F*ck. Dep!

F*cking Lasers...

2006-04-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

This is a big weekend coming up.

Firstly, Stereo Agency's last show, ever ever ever, will be at the Old Brewery Tavern on Friday the 28th at 9 PM. I'm glad it starts early. I'm not going to want to end the night by packing up and unloading our crap and spending 20 minutes total with friends.

The rest of the weekend will be devoted to celebrating the nuptials of a dear friend and Steelers fan up in Long Island. It's a high-profile affair: Ethel Kennedy is going to be there, and I must have a dance with her. As rocking a time (Bon Jovi is also to be in attendance) as this is sure to be, it nevertheless means I will be missing out on what sounds like an absolute gas in the form of the Living Dead party at the Sexional to celebrate Major Bludd's return to the breathing segment of humanity. After discussing the idea recently with Mistress Armada, I wrote a small verse about skipping the wedding celebrations to attend the bash (as a former infamous Director of the FBI).

'Twas the night before Sunday and Ethel was pissed
Cos J. Edgar Hoover was late for their tryst.
In fact, he was one hundred miles due south
In Philly, cavorting with 'Cane in his mouth.

He looked very sharp in his suit (double breasted)
And a straw pillbox hat upon his head rested.
No one had an inkling, it was not revealed
That a 36A brazier this get-up concealed.

The party was attended by famed living dead:
Prez Lincoln, A. Hepburn, and Erik the Red.
They stood at the table and played drinking games
With Janis Joplin and the young Jesse James.

Pope John Paul the Second was drinking his Dewar's
Boadicea was sucking down bottles of Coors.
And in this grand setting, with booze all a-splashing
J. Edgar decided to go ventricle-smashing.

By the time the dust settled, not one heart was spared
To Dresden and Hastings the night was compared.
The assembled party-goers decided—there and then—
That young Mr. Hoover never come back again.

Play

2006-04-19T15:41:00.000-04:00

Somebody finally went and did what I've been hoping and praying for. A documentary about the evolution of video game music and its effect on all music created in the last thirty years. Godspeed to these indy bastards and their quest.

http://www.myspace.com/VGMmovie

Bow Down to the King of Long-Winded Post Threads

2006-04-10T17:06:00.000-04:00

It was great fun to hang out with Storm Shadow and his fiancee, who I've yet to come up with an alias for. Yinz are all right. I was offered, and immediately snapped up, the opportunity to be a groomsman for them. Wedding=not nearly soon enough. And Hunter Hearst Helmsley is the man. Someone get me his entrances musiks, "The Game" and "Bow down to the King" on CD immediately.

Quick notes on the immigration issue:

The idea that we need illegal immigrants because they do work that American citizens won't do is misleading. It would be better to say that they do work that American citizens won't do at such illegally low wages. In a recent speech, John McCain offered to pay $50/hour to anyone in the audience willing to pick lettuce for an entire season, and when none of the assembled grad students and businessmen took him up on his offer, he smugly thought the point proven. I am searching for his email address right now. Hopefully, I'll have a new job by day's end.

The idea of amnesty for illegals is a bad idea for a couple of reasons. It's disastrous in the practical sense: unless they're talking about a mass amnesty, there is no way they're going to get ineligible illegals to register and voluntarily go home. Furthermore, the INS is still processing people from the last illegal amnesty twenty years ago. But most importantly, amnesty of illegals is a slap in the face to the rule of law (to say nothing of those who go through the long and tedious legal entry process). Maybe our immigration policies need to be reformed, but that decision is up to the men and women we have elected to represent us in Congress. In the meantime, some 11 to 12 million people have violated United States law by entering the country illegally. To reward them with citizenship is to devalue all American legislation, for it sets a precedent that if a group of people is large and vocal enough, laws can be disregarded and overridden, at which point any pretense of representative government becomes a shell around government via polling and mob justice.

My quest to become a Metroid person, backwards, is progressing nicely. Metroid Prime 2 is a terribly fascinating and engaging game. Play with caution.

By the way

2006-04-05T08:58:00.000-04:00

It is the opinion of some fine Crimson Guardsmen that the Lehigh Valley is a stasis field and the people in it have stagnating lives. I feel compelled to pontificate (swallow my words with a saltshaker if you so choose).

These observations seem to be based on evidence collected between roughly October and April, i.e. the cold fall months and winter. Inertia and an attitude of quasi-hibernation sets in because the weather turns cold and the days become short, discouraging industriousness and, for the most part, restricting activity to moving via auto from one heated indoor space to another. The dark and cold sucks the life from most of nature, and that reflects on our own behavior.

The coming of warm weather has always brought with it a spirit of change, celebration of life, and generally takes from us the inertia that kept us from translating thought, fancy, and ambition into action.

In summary: During cold weather we hang out and live the status quo, enjoying whatever's right with our lives, but paying far more attention to our flaws and things we'd like to change. When the warm weather comes, we are finally spurred to action, and try to improve our situation as much as we can by the time October rolls around again, and with any luck we will have established a more pleasing status quo than before. The period of re-evaluation then begins anew.

It can suck sometimes. But for my money I'm glad I am growing up in the American Northeast. If I lived in a cold-weather place all the time I'd have no ambition. If I lived in a warm-weather place all the time I'd have no perspective. I'm glad I live in the Lehigh Valley, too. We have pretty much every luxury and amenity that big cities have, without the traffic and the jaded jerky attitude. We have (though who knows for how long) the beauty and tranquility of open spaces and wilderness too, without an overwhelming redneck population and crippling illiteracy.

Point is, relax. All is as it should be. Except the Pirates, who opened their turnaround season by getting swept by the Brewers. Whatever.

Update

2006-04-04T15:31:00.000-04:00

Seeing as how I'll be working full-time hours this summer, and I desperately need something to distract myself with, this seems like an opportune summer to get interested in baseball. Of all sports, this is the one that I have paid the least attention to over the years (due, in large part, to the Pirates consistently sucking), so I have a lot of catching up to do. As a nice coincidence, most fans I've spoken to believe this is the Pirates' year to start turning things around, so that should be nice. Even if they don't, it'll be fun riding that train into the cellar. I like the abuse.

A series of medals are hereby virtually pinned on Baroness for the sweet-ass t-shirt she brought from Caliwaii. You will have to see to believe. She is currently infiltrating one of the more densely populated centers of higher learning in the state of Pennsylvania, the better to recruit young impressionable jerkoffs into becoming Alley Vipers.

It was also a pleasure to be a part of a brilliant April Fools' joke, masterminded by Mistress Armada and her cronies. Another COBRA bastard child enters the world of legend. Woo hah!

Everyone keep an eye out for upcoming Stereo Agency stuff--April 14th, Good Friday, at 9:00 PM we are opening with an hour set for some band at Jelly Beans in Allentown (if you don't live in A-town don't bother) and then the next night, Holy Saturday or whatever, we return to the Funhouse to lose our friggin' minds. We are playing with some new toys, and I have a feeling that show will be one to remember. Mark yer calendars.

Edification

2006-03-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

My dreams are all dead and buried
Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode
When God comes and calls me to his kingdom
I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go.

-Billy Joe Shaver

Famicom Ichiban

2006-03-13T09:09:00.000-05:00

While idly poring over Dr. Mindbender's rantings this morning, I came across his list of top 10 favorite NES games. Done deal. I'll be updating this one periodically, so check back.

10. DuckTales (Capcom, 1989) I never figured this game would be so fun, being so kiddie-centric, and at eight years of age being just a bit too old for that sort of biznazz. And yet, it was stupidly addicting, and had some insane replay value. Also (and this will become a common argument on this list) the music gets a big slice of responsibility for the game's overall success. It's all great stuff. And Capcom's composer deserves a Grammy for the Moon level theme.

9. Duck Hunt (Nintendo, 1986) I got the "Level 2" NES, which came with Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt, which is the only game I can remember that used the Light Gun. And who doesn't remember jamming the muzzle right up against the screen and still losing around level 21? And of course, trying to shoot that goddamn smug-ass dog. (Son of a bitch doesn't have opposable thumbs, he can't even hold a gun, so what's he laughing about?) More recent memories include sophomore year thursdays in St. Denis, slamming 'Cane and popping clay pigeons like they were going out of style. I played my best game on malt liquor--I don't remember what level exactly, but it was definitely high twenties.

8. Ninja Gaiden (Tecmo, 1989) Hoo boy, did the composer for this game ever love arpeggios, which really blew away my fragile understanding of music at the time. But though the music was great, the best quality of this game was the fluid animation of Ryu. The running, the swording, the flipping around and climbing, that's what really made me understand what these guys were talking about. Playing this game for twenty minutes and then performing another activity would result in quicker, more dexterous application of oneself to the task at hand, and possibly some karate chops. I finally beat this monster of a game on the eve of Super Bowl XXXVI, Hatriots over Rams, and on that night I definitely changed from casual football fan to f*cking full-on psycho fanatic. And maybe I have Ninja Gaiden to thank for that.

7. Double Dragon (1987, Tradewest) Automatic points for this one as it was the first game I ever got besides the ones that came with the system. I was so thrilled I would put the controller down and play air guitar to the title music (that guitar solo makes Eddie Van Halen and Joe Satriani look like bitches having buttsex with each other) every time I played. More points because a girl gets slugged 5 seconds into the game (no offense Mistress Armada). This was a hard freaking nut to crack, though. Three lives, no continues. On my best day, I'd get as far as the last level, but the part where the bricks come out of the wall and hit you I could never get past. Victory over Jimmy Lee was not achieved until the age of emulators and save states. The one thing I would have begged for from this game, which was granted in the 1988 sequel from Acclaim, was co-op mode. But even without that, this game was kickass enough to earn its place in the sun as the original side-scrolling beat-em-up.

6. Bionic Commando (Capcom, 198X) Perfect combination of cheesy storytelling, incredible names (Firstborn: Super Joe S*mavilla), cool music, creative gameplay, and Go-Go Gadget Arms (TM). With a non-linear goal system and a series of weapons and items that had to be found and used in the right instances, this was the forerunner of "intelligent" 3rd-person shooter games like Hitman and Metal Gear Solid. I did not play this game until the emulator age, but it scores highly anyway because it was instantly addictive and heavily replayable (as Metal-Head knows well). And, come on, who else in 198X had the balls to make Hitler's...uh, sorry, Master-D's head explode?

5 (tie). The Legend of Zelda (Nintendo, 1986) A classic in a category of classics. This came out before Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior, so if I'm not mistaken, was the first ever console game that incorporated RPG elements of exploration and gradual character strengthening. Watching Link grow in power as the game went on is what made the gameplay great and what kept us coming back to it over and over. And you had to be a seriously intrepid explorer--there was hardly any hints forthcoming from this game about where to find things or how to solve puzzles...which made it hugely frustrating at times, but that was all part of the experience. The absolute best thing about this game, however, was the music. Plain and simple. That will be running through all our heads until we are worm food. And it will never get annoying. Knowing those old NES composers were able to write the best music ever using only two notes at a time is a constant musical inspiration to me.

5 (tie). Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (Nintendo, 1987) Hell Yes [...Yes]. One of the most, if not the most, replayable game ever put out for the NES. Listening to that pump-you-up music while delivering superfast beatdowns to dudes five times your own size is just great. And, the stupid judges never, never decided in Little Mac's favor past the Major Circuit, proof positive as far as I'm concerned that Don King was paying them off. So it was Little Mac vs. The World (literally). And oh, what we learned early on about other nationalities! French = defeatist sissies, Germans = awesome moustaches, Spanish = transvestites (that one's true), Indians = wear turbans ALL THE TIME, and of course, that Russians really enjoy soda. A lot. (God dammit, does anyone remember the arcade version? His name was Vodka Drunkenski, people. VODKA DRUNKENSKI.) Ok, now real quick, everyone recite the code to skip straight to Tyson...annnnd, pencils down. See? We all still remember.

4. Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (Konami, 1988) I wrote a post a ways back about my enthusiasm for Resident Evil 4. I tell you now, RE4 is the refined, badass scion of Castlevania II, patriarch of the action-horror genre. I enjoyed all of the Castlevanias I ever played, but I will tell you why this one gets to represent the series on this list. Firstly, as Noel Gallagher would drunkenly say, "Music, music, music, music, music, music, music." I love the daytime town theme, and the song "Bloody Tears" made its debut here. Secondly, the goals were non-linear, and you were actually on the clock to beat the curse, and depending on how long it took you to do so, you saw a different ending. Thirdly, it was freaking scary. The whole day/night thing totally augmented the urgency and terror of everything else, for example, fighting DEATH ITSELF OH MY CHRIST. A distant fourthly is that this game was responsible for my interest in the Ravenloft modules (for the DnD nerds out there). It's a sweet package, with plenty of influence beyond its own era. What a horrible night to have a curse.

3. Contra (Konami, 1988) Like many games for the NES, this came out in the arcades first. The way the arcade Contra worked was this: there was this little bare-chested guy with a gun on the screen, and you would put a quarter in, and the money would never reach him. Ha! Some Oliver North humor there. Anyhoo, by 1988 there had already been plenty of side-scrolling shooters released, but this had that je ne sais quoi that often had me freakishly squirming and kicking and waving the controller around, bearing facial expressions usually reserved for mid-coit. This game was about frantically wreaking destruction and trying not to die--speaking of which, anyone who ever played this game remembers what happens when you caught a bullet: that alien-sounding death scream and an acrobatic tumble to the ground worthy of professional soccer. The music is awesome. (If you're not convinced, go on limewire or wherever the f*ck and download "Contra" by the Minibosses. As a matter of fact, download everything by the Minibosses that you possibly can.) Now, all of this stuff is well and good, but there's one more thing that made this game congeal at the #3 spot, and that is the outstanding fun-magnification of 2-player mode. You know what I'm talking about.

2. Super Mario Bros. 3 (Nintendo, 1990) This November, Nintendo will release Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on Gamecube. It will be the last game released for that lovable little box, and if it is as incredibly good as it's being hyped to be, it will be the second time Nintendo has surpassed itself on a system finale. In terms of complexity, sound, graphics, and gameplay, this was head and shoulders above the rest. They even threw in a complimentary version of the original Mario Bros. for 2-player gladiator action. Secrets galore, too--for all I know, there's still goodies hidden away in that game I don't know about (but there can't be too many). I loved this game so much that I wrote a report on it in 5th grade for biology (on the idea that each level in the game was based on a naturally occurring geological biome). Oh, and remember the movie "The Wizard"? How at the end of the movie, the finalists have to play "a game that you've never seen before", and the hero knows exactly how to get the first whistle, and then Fred Savage is clearly seen and heard in the crowd screaming "Get the warp whistle! The WARP WHISTLE!" like he knows what the f*ck he's talking about. Nitpicking? Maybe, but what else do you expect from a kid who actually carved notches in his controllers for each game he beat? Anyway...though I could easily go on for pages about the music, I'll just briefly spit the highlights. The tunes were perfectly suited for their environments (take World 3 and World 6 as the best examples), the in-level music introduced reggae to me, the airship music was actually Gustav Holst's "Mars: Bringer of War", and thanks to the hip-hop underground reprise, a rap duo once known as Smif n' Wessun (later sued and renamed "the Cocoa Brovaz") recorded the single "Super Brooklyn", which was my first-ever vinyl record, purchased within the three weeks it took for Nintendo to flip shit and sue the records off the shelves. One last item of brilliance, the namesakes of the Koopa kids:

Lemmy Koopa: Lemmy Kilmister
Roy Koopa: Roy Orbison
Wendy O. Koopa: Wendy O(rlean) Williams
Iggy Koopa: Iggy Pop
Morton Koopa, Jr: Morton Downey, Jr.
Larry Koopa: Larry Mullen, Jr. (seriously. Look at the hair.)
Ludwig von Koopa: Ludwig von Beethoven

Clearly I was predisposed to love Motorhead since age 9.

1. Tecmo Super Bowl (Tecmo, 1991) This is a list of my top NES games of all-time, a label that would lead one to treat the items on it as venerated classics. Tecmo Super Bowl, however, has become so transcendent of its era to me that, in my opinion, it almost shouldn’t be on this list. But it was born an NES cartridge, and is thus eligible. If Ninja Gaiden somehow sparked my fanaticism for football, Tecmo solidified and built upon it. As I played more, I found there were others out there who, like me, believed this to be the best football video game of all-time, and saw no reason why the passage of time should force it to fade into the past. The emulator age was revolutionary, but for games like TSB it was especially so: supergeeks were able to take the ROM of the game and change the teams, logos, player names, player data, playbooks, everything. When I realized that Montana to Rice could become Maddox to Ward, I flipped out. Metal-Head and I pretty much played that every day for the duration of football season, and during the off-season, every other day. This game strikes the perfect balance between realistic football play and good ol’ arcade fun. Only two buttons, only eight plays, but very detailed player attributes and an action:clock ratio that is roughly proportional to real life. This simplistic creation consumed people with competitive fire. Friendships were jeopardized by this game, and I recall many incidents where a badly-timed computer-controlled tackle made Tim Deery lose it as though Bill Wine had just criticized his work. And you better believe that there’s a musical project in the works to cover the music in the style of a Ramones song (Mindbender knows what’s up). Now, I write all of this one day after I bought Madden ’06 for the ‘Cube, and I only do it because I no longer have an internet connection with which to find updated Tecmo rosters. And that’s ok, I guess. I should probably get with the times a little bit. But when Madden ’49 comes out, it won’t make a difference. I’ll still be getting in the faces of those little punks, and telling them how when I was their age, all we needed was Bo Jackson up the sideline.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

2006-03-08T08:59:00.000-05:00

I went to see Running Scared last night. A far better movie than it appeared to be in the theater lobby, which is the first place I'd seen or heard anything about it. I hadn't witnessed a scene that gut-wrenchingly wrong since Old Boy.

Please welcome Metal-Head to his new launchpad.

Tanks Rolling

2006-03-06T13:22:00.000-05:00

I love how my shortest post has garnered the most replies. (see "Achtung")

Stereo Agency is hitting a new venue this weekend, Saturday the 11th at the Hawthorn House. For those of you familiar with the area, it's on Hawthorn Street, way down Broad near Stefko. Please come have a drink and support!

Mr. Miosi did a super cool job with the posters for the Funhouse gig later this month. That's right, we actually did promo for a show more than TWO WEEKS AWAY. It's huge. We'll find out if it makes a difference, but if Mindbender and company (hopefully including Major Bludd if he's over his mono by then) invade, it'll be the best damn show since 12/17. Boy howdy.

The most exciting news is the push into Philly. Oh, it's all in the inception phase, some preliminary e-mail contacts, one press kit sent (to Club 218 on South Street). But we're on a mission, and we will not fail. Though we will need as much Crimson Guard presence as can possibly be managed. Those damn Joes are not to be underestimated.

Livid Licid

2006-03-01T09:07:00.000-05:00

R, TAP: Livid Licid loses this ability and becomes a creature enchantment that reads "Enchanted band member gets +4/-2 and Trample when attacking local taverns" instead of a creature. Move Livid Licid onto target band member. You may pay R to end this effect.

Murray and I went a-flyerin' yesterday, hanging up the damn things all over Moravian's campus and went to the OBT last. When we arrived, we learned that our gig for Friday had been double-booked, and the girl who booked us was sort of not working there anymore. After a quick strategy session, we decided not to go berserk. The new scheduling guy was pretty conciliatory, anyway. So he offered us April 28, a Friday. We will take it once we get confirmation from Ben. The money's too good, we need all the gigs we can get, and the OBT is fun. But to say we feel slighted and angry is an understatement. Like I said, I'm only a turn sideways and one red mana away from flipping the hell out.

My deepest apologies and surrogate rage goes out to those who were planning on getting their faces rocked. We'll make it up in double measure.

We have confirmed, however, the Hawthorn House gig next Saturday the 11th. It's gonna be interesting. It's a small place, but it gets hopping. We'll see.

Elements of the High Command have questioned why we are waiting to attack Philadelphia. The stock answer is, "We need a suitable fleet of assault vehicles." But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like something we can probably pull off anyway, especially since we just bought a new Uberbox. So anybody with bright ideas about where would be good venues for us to approach to book a gig, speak now! Major Bludd, Mindbender, Zartan, and Zandar, I am looking in your direction...

The Jacksons are reuniting...they're going on tour

2006-02-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

I been slacking. Whoops.

So I was kinda pissed I missed E6. I've been listening to a lot of Senor Smoke in the background lately, and a lot of the songs are really growing on me. I still gotta go with Fire for most indispensable, though, for reasons relating to what I'm about to say.

On thursday, when I still thought I was going to the show, I went on E6's website to fuel my excitement. It's a decent site, and in addition to merch and tour dates and the like, they have links to a myspace page and a blog. I looked at them a little, and suddenly I felt my enthusiasm for the show start to wane ever, ever so slightly. I quickly closed the site and focused on something else, and I was fine.

I later realized why: Because on Fire, Dick Valentine and his cronies entered my brain and put on such a show of virile skullf*ckery and hardcore hilarity that I built them all up to be these totally insane demigods who act that way not only in the studio and on stage, but in the grocery store, at home, on the phone, on the street, wherever. They always want to take you to a gay bar, spend all your money, start a nuclear war on the dance floor, reach into the fires of your heart, and comment on the impropriety of the dancing that may or may not be occurring in a public thoroughfare.

So when I read about them having lives that bear some similarity with what you and I consider to be "normal", I feel that magical illusion start to fade a little bit. So I never want to read about what they're up to ever again or know whether or not the names on the album are their real ones or not. I just want to listen to their albums and go to shows like the one at the North Star, where they were utterly outrageous, just as I'd always envisioned them.

Senor Smoke has its moments as well, but I can't stand to listen to tracks like "Monty's Grill" or whatever it's called because Dick Valentine doesn't talk like that in my mind. And while "Rock and Roll Evacuation" is a rocking, rocking tune, the socio-political commentary seems very, very out of character. Jarring. But I love you, Electric Six. "Devil Nights" is my current favorite tune of all. Keep it up, but don't venture out of your pantheon. Oh, and your cover of "Radio Ga Ga" made me appreciate the original way more.

I'm toying with the idea of having COBRA t-shirts made with everyone's name on the back, jersey-style. Probably red-on-black. Chip in your sizes in case it ever happens.

Early Warning: Stereo Agency playing at the Old Brewery Tavern, Bethlehem, March 3 @ 9 PM. I want to see more people there than last time. Don't forget, Mingler will be there playing cool video shit on the wall behind us. It will be sweet. Cheap drinks! Low door charge! ($2 I think)

Achtung

2006-02-17T08:56:00.000-05:00

E6=sold out. Motherf*ck...

She was the slow going hours tonight...

2006-02-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

YOU OWE ME MONAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!

Electric 6 is on like Donkey Kong for tonight. Holy f*cking sh*t. Yes, I will be your Mrs. Dick Valentine.

OK, need some photoshopping help. Well, sorta.

Trying to make a flyer for the show this weekend, I found a cool shot on the interweb:

I then used Adobe Photoshop (TM) to add some text. But when I uploaded it into my web photo account dealy, it came out like this:

Anybody know what that's all about?

Rock Block

2006-02-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

To put the word out early, Stagency plays this Saturday at the F-house. Updated website displays all the goods at www.stereoagency.com , unidimensional as it is. Don't let that 1:30 stop time fool you, necessarily. We'll go till 2:15 if circumstances permit.

And by "circumstances permit", I mean "at least 15 people tell us to shut up in unison".

Electric Six is this thursday at the Khyber. I have been so pumped for this, especially because Ben and I thought we could drag Brad down to Philly for the show. Yet it looks like I might not even be able to make it, we only have two nights to practice before the show and we might need thursday. Fingers crossed.

Governor Swann, you have thirty seconds for rebuttal

2006-02-10T10:21:00.000-05:00

Work is crazy busy, but I've been meaning to throw in my two cents on the outcome of the big game.

First: I wish it had been a cleaner game, both in terms of play execution and officiating.

Seattle played better than Pittsburgh about 75% of the time--fortunately for the Steelers, their 25% came at all the moments when success mattered the most. Yeah, the refs made some questionable calls. There will be no final word on the Roethlisberger touchdown, but they would have gone for it on 4th and 1...and Pittsburgh had the best Red Zone TD percentage in the league. Pass interference calling that touchdown back was a reach, sure.

But if anyone thinks Seattle would have won that game if a few calls had gone the other way, just look at the rest of their plan execution. Jerramy Stevens dropped so many balls it became a running gag on the ESPN talk shows Monday. Clock management = atrocious. Shaun Alexander, league MVP, was a non-factor. About the only Seahawks consistently doing their job well throughout the game were the offensive line. They gave their stars opportunities, and their stars failed them.

Pittsburgh, meanwhile, couldn't get going most of the time. Plenty of 3-and-outs. Roethlisberger ended the game with a 22 passer rating, lowest ever for a winning Super Bowl QB. What passer rating doesn't account for, however, is clutch play, game management, and anything involving rushing. Many factors were critical in Pittsburgh's win, among them Big Ben's scrambling and clutch 3rd down conversions when they mattered most, i.e. the 3rd and 23 (or whatever) when he completed to Ward at Seattle's 2 to set up his rushing TD.

Compare the referees' so-called bias against Seattle with the bias against Pittsburgh during the divisional game. They called back an interception which should have sealed the game up with an 11-point lead. But rather than bitch and deflate, the Steelers continued to try their damndest to hold on to their win (although I'm not sure what Bettis was thinking with that one-handed carry). Seattle, meanwhile, when facing adversity, lost all morale. Possibly that may have been due to the 80% Steeler Nation makeup in the stadium.

So ends my rant as to why the Steelers showed why they deserved to win, and Seattle showed why they didn't. While I'm at it, drinking to excess and acting the fool at a college party does not constitute douchebaggery, especially for someone 23 years old fer chrissake. Not that this will shut up any naysayers, like Bill Simmons, who admitted he was thinking through the whole game, "Man, my Patriots would have killed either of these teams."

Yes, Mr. Simmons, that is probably true. The Pats are built to win Super Bowls. Too bad they weren't built to win divisional playoff games. Better luck next year, and in the meantime, STFU. Enjoy the ring ceremony. Ahh, I'm just ribbin' ya. I still like you. Seriously though, you're a jerk. Heh, I'm just joking. You're great.

It's been 26 years in coming, to hear the Stillers' machinery humming

2006-02-07T11:20:00.000-05:00

After taking Monday off to recuperate, I feel up to posting about the past weekend.

It was easily the best Super Bowl party I've ever been involved in, certainly not least due to the fact that my favorite team was participating and also won football's biggest prize. Yet there was much more to it than that.

Our brigade began to arrive at Starter's around 3:30 PM. Knowing that I had to pace my drinking, I responsibly had a glass of water before diving headfirst into a bucket of Iron City, the first of many. Big thanks go out to Zarana, who volunteered her services as a DD and embedded journalist of sorts.

Destro and the Baroness arrived, the former wearing his No. 43 jersey and the wig of wigs, which the sweatshop resources of COBRA cranked out gradually over the course of the previous two weeks. Mr. Polamalu's flowing locks were dutifully reproduced and were seen flying about throughout the night.

I tried to restrain myself, but anxiety and excitement won the day and soon I was drinking and chainsmoking at a rate which ensured my death by the third quarter...the only question being whether it would be caused by emphysema or cirrhosis. Salvation came in the form of Kavan, who had brought face paint for the occasion. As I was painting a Steelers logo on his cheek, a middle-aged fan approached with two small children, asking if they could be painted next. Pythona volunteered her assistance to meet the rising demand, and I was kept fairly busy until game time painting the assembled Pittsburgh faithful. Got some free drinks out of it too, which was nice.

The Crimson Guard presence was further bolstered by the arrival of Zandar, Major Bludd, and Dr. Mindbender, who was wearing probably the best zealot outfit in the place...the pictures that will be posted, or at least linked here, will tell more of the story than I can. Also with them was Dino and Tefslop, who will get more meritorious mentions as soon as I get their blog sites or someone gives them to me.

Starter's more than did its part in setting the atmosphere. Along with untold liters of IC, the Roethlisburger finally made the menu (albeit a special one) and they had brought about $1,000 worth of Steelers merch to give away at halftime. Thus, I missed the Stones. From what I gather of the reviews, that's for the best.

As for the game itself, that's going to have to wait until tomorrow. I've got some more work to do here today, and about 12 minutes to do it.

P.S. Zartan is a punk, though. Make no mistake.

[Downer Alert]

2006-02-03T08:53:00.000-05:00

I recently heard something that depressed me. No need to go into specifics, but the gist of it was that a person I consider to be a stand-up fellow and good friend declared, to no one in particular, that if a person held a certain set of political views, they wouldn't be able to be friends.

I get angry because I associate and spend time with people every day whom I would clash viciously with in a debate setting. I mean, fer chrissake, if I bestowed friend status on only those who shared my socio-political views, I'd have very few friends. I don't give a shit what you believe. If you carry yourself as a decent human being, have a good sense of humor, are fun to hang out with, et cetera, you and I will be gravy. And it's funny that the comment which depressed me so issued forth from the part of the socio-political spectrum which claims to espouse open-mindedness, progressive thought, and tolerance. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony.

Maybe the day will come when I become so curmudgeonly that I only surround myself with like-minded assholes. It's sad to see that happen to someone so young.

Stronger than an I-beam

2006-02-02T09:02:00.001-05:00

Well, work is heating up. Those politicians won't assassinate their own characters, you know. But for now, check this out. This has given my life meaning. Number one on the list, and it all started with a tiny nucleus of crazies. High five, hink, [face].

I love Joey Porter. I really do. I don't even think he was far out of line ripping back at Jerramy Stevens for his relatively tame Bettis comment. But the man needs to stop talking now, for real. If he keeps battering away at Seattle like the Allies did to the Germans at Versailles, he won't see the demoralized and devastated runner-ups-to-be come Sunday. He'll see Panzer divisions.

Bulls make money, Bears make money, but underdogs get slaughtered

2006-01-30T15:23:00.000-05:00

With that cathartic post out of the way, I can resume my shows of support in a slightly more civilized and better laid out manner. If Picasso had used HTML, it might have looked something like that.

Here is a story on ESPN today about Jerome Bettis going home. It's a good story. I printed it out. Seattle will be without their treasured 12th man for the big game, and I expect Seattle fans to be outnumbered by upwards of 3 to 1. However, it's worth pointing out that the Steelers will be without some of their intangible advantages as well, being actually favored by 4 points and technically (and in some cases, literally) considered the home team. Coach Cowher is nevertheless having his boys wear the away jerseys. I'm a bit worried that Seattle has something of a right to be incensed about being listed as underdogs, being the #1 seed against a #6 seed. Lately it seems that the whole "no respect" mentality can go a long way, but only as long as it holds true...as Mr. Brady recently found out. I mean, people stopped disrespecting the Patriots after they won Super Bowl XXXVIII, if you ask me. They just started purely loathing them at that point, and Mr. Brady confused the sentiments. Or possibly identified them correctly and tried to distort them to his advantage. Either way, disaster. So I think it would be best for the Steelers to drop the "nobody thinks we can" line and instead run with a "nobody thought we could, but now we've convinced most of them, so we have to show that we weren't kidding."

The call is hereby put out far and wide: Stereo Agency plays its inaugural show at the Old Brewery Tavern this Friday from 10-1. It will be crazy, and if intel is correct, there will be plenty of loose Moravian ladies for those of you who like to bitch about the Funhouse's lack of scarlet women. Dr. Mindbender will be there to work his thought-controlling legerdemain prior to taking out his high-interest loan. Hopefully y'all will have learned by now how to behave when he's not there. ("SHUT UP!")

ONE FOR THE F*CKING THUMB GDMFSOB

2006-01-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

FUCK THIS!!! I WILL BE SILENT NO LONGER! FUCKING PITTSBURGH'S GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL, BITCHES, AND I WILL BE GOD DAMNED IF LET THESE TWO WEEKS GO BY QUIETLY! SEATTLE HAD BEST BE AFRAID...UNDERSIZED PUNK-ASS BITCHES ARE GONNA GO THE SAME ROUTE AS THE COLTS. STALWART STEELER NATIONALS WILL SHANK THE REFEREES FROM BEHIND. CHEW ON MY RED9 SUCKA! INCOMPLETE PASS, YOUR ASS! BIG BEN HAS GOT IT TOGETHER! THE BLACK & GOLD PLAYBOOK HAS EXPANDED. GUARD AGAINST THE FREIGHT TRAIN AND BOMBS WILL FALL. SET UP YOUR FLAK CANNONS AND THE TANKS WILL ROLL. THE SEAHAWKS ARE GOING DOPWN TKO FUCKING CHIANTIONWA3983223%*@#*u)2!#%$*!@#$$&amp;&&&^%@%#@!!!!!!!!!!111one

What's a detroit?

2006-01-25T09:37:00.000-05:00

Due respect to Pearls and Brass, who had their CD reviewed in Entertainment Weekly, apparently. I can always say I saw them at the Funhouse.

Be on the lookout for Young Blood, a dance party which is being organized primarily by Zartan, featuring the steel wheeling and dealing of ourselves and another fella. Probably at the Wildflower Cafe, probably some Thursday in March.

Finally, primary season is beginning to really emerge. I go on my first mission tomorrow, where I must infiltrate ******'* ***** with a surveillance device and a cover identity to get some early dirt on ****** *****, who is giving a fundraising speech. *** is going down now that COBRA's on the case.

If anyone has noticed a conspicuous lack of rabidly fanatical NFL-related posting in the last several days, it is because I'm trying really, really hard not to do any. Times like this don't happen to a certain football fan very often, and it's hard to not just jabber away about it all the time. But I'm in ultra anti-jinx mode, and I don't want my happy raving to lead to gross overconfidence.

That said, I would like to give a big e-hug to everyone who was at Starter's on Sunday, including people I don't know. Probably the best experience watching football I've ever had. Starter's totally made the atmosphere, with Steelers logos up everywhere, a sign by the entrance that said "DANGER: SWINGING TOWELS", and six cases of Iron City that they brought in just for us (of course, we got rid of those by halftime). Thanks to the Broncos fans who were there, too. Every week of the playoffs, we had a brief meeting, promising to get rid of whoever was in our respective team's way and meet each other in the AFC Championship. [NOTE TO PATS FANS: Pay attention here. You can learn something from this that in your years of dominance, most of you never bothered to do.] They congratulated us on our win, very graciously, and we gave them a standing ovation. Next week Starter's has promised us fifteen cases of IC and a three-foot Roethlisburger.

And check out this photo of Zarana, currently spearheading a 'Drome construction project in Angkor Wat. She's so badass.

[Ttthank you]

2006-01-20T14:52:00.000-05:00

Crap. Work swelled outrageously the last couple days. Still swelling, but I realized I had a few brief things to say before the weekend arrives, so:

1) Stereo Agency @ the Funhouse, Saturday, 10:30. Some new surprises, as we always endeavor to provide. I believe Dr. Mindbender will be in attendance again, so prepare to make the noise of fifteen and tell us to shut up a lot. And never let us get off the stage without playing your favorite song at least five times. You know the drill.

2) At said show, we will also be welcoming back a jet-lagged Baroness, fresh from rigging the French parliament with Iron Grenadiers. Cos she's such an evil and ruthless sweetheart.

3) Look forward to the much-hyped linking of Mistress Armada, who actually has rough drafts of her blog entries.

4) Sunday will be huge. That is all I have to say on the subject.

A good weekend to you all, especially Safety Dan, who apparently hurt himself in a safety experiment concerning arugula planting.

It's True!

2006-01-18T12:48:00.000-05:00

OK, I couldn't help but take a stab at Bill Simmons yesterday because he's had it coming, what with his nonstop fellating of all things New England since 2002. Ooooooh, I think I can stand 2 out of all the Patriots fans I've ever met, one being Tomax and the other being a bouncer at the Brew Works. All the rest of them I've really tried to get past the rivalry thing and communicate to them as plain old football fans, or at least human beings. And they've always let me down.

That said, I still have to say that I enjoy Bill Simmons most of the rest of the time. Here's a good reason why, taken from an excerpt from his most recent column, giving out awards for the Divisional Playoffs:

The Jim Ross Award for Best Moment that Could Have Been Made into a Fantastic Story Line
To Mike Vanderjagt for shanking that season-ending field goal, which looked like one of Ali Haji Sheikh's efforts if you were playing the 1982 Giants at the All-Madden Level and completely screwed up the kicking wheel. After all of Vanderjagt's problems with Manning over the years, I kept waiting for the postgame press conference where Vanderjagt pretended to be upset, answered a few questions, and then suddenly Bill Cowher's music started playing (with Cowher dressed as Sergeant Slaughter), followed by Vanderjagt breaking into a big smile, and then the two of them hugging as Jim Ross screamed "No! No! No! My God, no!" Then Vanderjagt would rip off his Colts jersey to reveal a Steelers jersey underneath. This would have been one of the five greatest moments in sports history. And you know what? There's still time.

Hurry Up and Die In Peace

2006-01-17T09:19:00.000-05:00

Bill Simmons in his divisional playoff picks column:

"Patriots (+3) over BRONCOS...

...Here's the first rule you learn as a gambler, whether you're betting on sports, blackjack, craps or whatever: Never bet against a streak. It's the dumbest move you can make."

Scant paragraphs later:

"COLTS (-9.5) over Steelers"

Open season on Zebras

2006-01-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I was going to just leave this picture up as the post, but a thousand words isn't enough to describe the events of yesterday. I cannot say for sure how much I aged during the last five minutes of regulation of the Colts-Steelers game, but I do know that I probably wouldn't be able to survive another such finish. Especially if we were to lose.

Firstly, kudos are due to Bill Cowher for having the balls to stray so drastically from the traditional Steelers game plan. Coming out of the starting gate shooting from the hip was their best shot at winning, and with the usual monster defensive effort, it worked.

That said, I will address Joey Porter's most recent controversial comment. Usually, when there's talk such as "The Colts were amping up the crowd noise artificially" or "that November game shouldn't count, because they can't play proper football, and their rushing yards were cheap, excuses blah blah" I'm the first one telling my own team to sh*t th* f*ck *p. But Porter's accusation that the refs and the league wanted the Colts to win that game makes absolutely perfect sense to me. What other explanation can there be for the unbelievable overturning of Polamalu's interception? How did the ref figure that to be indisputable? There was a definite problem with the officiating. Somebody should lose their job, or at least be docked pay for that. If Ben hadn't performed that heroic one-armed tackle, or if Vanderjagt had made that kick, I'd be in jail today. Now that Pittsburgh's in the AFC Champ game, I'm glad all that bullshit happened. They have every right to be fired up after that. I'm still livid.

That said, I welcome laughter and ridicule of any and all kinds for the way my NFC bracket is turning out, and may I just say that I hope my perfect record in the AFC picks comes to a screeching halt. I mean, I suck at this. Seriously, I'm no good at picking anything.

Morir es vivir...Morir es vivir...

2006-01-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

Over the course of the last few months I have become unhealthily obsessed with Resident Evil 4. I never thought I'd be in to those survival-horror games because they make me edgy and I end up getting frustrated and throwing controllers. Then I need to call an attack on the Pit just to calm down.

Pythona recently lent Destro her Gamecube and so the virus has been released all over again. Rocking the mercenaries minigame, which I hated at first but have learned to enjoy. The trick to making good games these days is smooth play and crisp graphics and sound, but most importantly, the intangible quality of "replay value". Once beating the game, what reason does the player have to pick it up again?

Baldur's Gate II absolutely mastered this quality. I got that game for Christmas my freshman year, and you can ask pretty much any roommate I had throughout college and they can confirm that I played it pretty much all the time. Now I am considering plunking down the $115 and getting a used 'Cube and the game because the replay value is that damn good. I've beaten it twice already and romped around the mini-games. I'd still do it.

The weapons are extremely detailed, customizable, and (at least on Gamecube) real enough to give me that feeling I had when I was five and was able to pick up a stick off the ground and convince myself I was holding a combat shotgun, like, seriously. I would tell people to f*ck off before I seriously lost my temper and started shooting.

The ambience is brilliant. Well-rendered fog and stock-horror-film sound effects, plus extremely tense music. It's creepy and exciting without going over the top. There's a pile of cool shit to be unlocked. Adjustable difficulty levels. Ada Wong gets her own mini-game. Talking bottle caps. The f*cking Dirt Merchant!!! Jesus. Destro is so going as the Dirt Merchant for Halloween.

Orval Faubus, the new Indianapolis Colts GM

2006-01-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

Favored as the Indianapolis Colts are and, in all fairness, ought to be, Steelers Nation is nevertheless a force to be feared. Tony Dungy and the Colts front office sent out an email plea to all season ticket holders and licensed ticket vendors asking them not to sell to Steelers fans, and to not even answer phone calls from 412 numbers. Post-Gazette's Chuck Finder's article about it is here, and Indy Star's sports columnist Bob Kravitz wrote a bit about it here, but he also makes the interesting comment that "If somebody is offering twice what anybody else is willing to pay, does it matter whether they come from Greenfield or Green Tree? Is Colts owner Jim Irsay going to be taking care of your Christmas Visa bill?"

Verbosity is a Sickness Unto Death

2006-01-11T11:16:00.000-05:00

I was just watching a little bit of the Alito hearings and watched Arlen Specter ask a two-minute question full of the most gaseous, circuitous language I've heard since the last time Dominique de Villepin opened his mouth. Apparently, yesterday, Joe Biden asked an 11-minute question in the same manner. Frankly, I was impressed enough with Alito that he actually was able to discern what the question was in all of that mess. I was watching C-Span 2 a while back and saw an open forum with Tony Blair and his chief ministers, and it floored me how clear and concise they were in their answers. It was almost a pleasure to listen to them. Why can't our congressmen follow suit? That's why nothing ever gets f*cking done.

Re: "Cincinnati"

2006-01-10T09:57:00.000-05:00

Zartan knew damn well he would drag me out of the woodwork with his post on the results of his first-round picks. It's very likely that he didn't really mean what he said but knew it would send me into a chin-jutting, mouth-frothing-at-the rage. Either way, I am happy to oblige. To demonstrate my self-control, I shall refrain from using any sarcasm.

The Steelers have won 14 of their last 17 games against the Bengals. This season, they split their two games. The game that the Steelers won was in Cincinnati. The score of that game was 27-6, Pittsburgh, until Cincy scored a meaningless TD in the final minutes. The final score of the other game was 38-31, Cincinnati. Carson Palmer played in both games.

Yes, the Bengals would have done better with Palmer in, but even then it's absurd to believe that his presence alone would have unquestionably won the game. It was the first play, and that 70-yard pass that he completed could have been the high point of a very bad day for him.

If, despite this, you still wish to consider your pick a correct one, there is hardly anything I can do about it. But I would demand that you also consider the Oakland Raiders to have one more Super Bowl ring, the New England Patriots one less, and judge for yourself whether the Philadelphia Eagles could have defeated the Gruden-led Raiders in search of their second straight title at the 2003 Super Bowl.

Weekend Recap

2006-01-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

Metal-Head Retreat Weekend quality as usual. The plotting, the capers, the gambling, the excessive Sheetzing, the hinking on the guero, and the [insert face and accompanying hand gesture here] all comes together pretty wonderfully. Highlights include FINALLY getting a copy of "Drowning" on vinyl (Micro Mix, not AK1200), Apples to Apples gambling variant, and discovering a girl that will be subservient to Grand Madame Lindsay Weir in my mental brothel.

Onto the NFL recap. I am so giddy. For comparison's sake, you can see my original picks here.

In retrospect, of course I never should have given the Jags that much credit for a close game. Nevertheless, I unwaveringly picked them to lose, so my self-esteem is really not damaged very much.

The Redskins went and did what they do. 17-10 and they advance to Seattle.

Giants got blanked embarrassingly by the Panthers. I called the game New York's way, but for partial exoneration, I remind you that their victory was contingent on both teams showing up to play. Oh man, did they ever not show up to play. Not even a crummy field goal. Eli Manning gets picked three times and fumbles. Two other picks are called back on penalties. Burress does not catch a single ball, barely gets looked at, in fact. That definitely qualifies as buttsexiness. That, in addition to the fact that I picked Chicago to beat the winner next week, means that I don't feel too bad about missing the pick. I do expect Carolina to give the Bears more of a fight than New York would have, though.

Best for last. After falling behind 10-0, I got a little worried about Pittsburgh, even with Carson Palmer being injured on the first play from scrimmage, tearing two ligaments and questionable to return by July. The Bengals were really, really angry and played for blood. But towards the end of the half, the momentum began to shift for a number of reasons: 1) Cincy didn't keep up the offensive pressure, giving Pittsburgh time to regroup, 2) Roethlisberger was passing efficiently, 3) The Steelers defense remembered that they are bad mofos, and perhaps most importantly, 4) The Bengals' morale sagged when they realized that though their anger might carry them through this game, their star QB was gone till September and John Kitna would never beat the Colts, Broncos, or Patriots. It was over. Honestly, my sympathies go out to Carson Palmer and Bengals fans. 15 years between winning seasons is a long time to wait. Still, when it comes down to you or them, you gotta send flowers.

Bill Simmons is disgusting.

I Think It's About Time to Blow This Scene

2006-01-06T15:01:00.000-05:00

NFL picks finally done, you can see them below. They were painstakingly done with obsessive care. I look forward to comments from those of you who are interested, the majority of which I fully expect will be Zartan-esque naysaying. Kindly Bring It.

That said, the 4th bi-annual Metal-Head Retreakend is upon me. Major Bludd will arrive shortly to transport me to our super-secret alpine bunker, where there will be so much hinking on the guero (I mean, these guys figured out a way to turn Apples to Apples into a gambling game) that we're gonna need a ShopVac (TM) to collect all the melted face fragments come the end of the weekend. And boy, do I ever need the break.

That which took Don Cheadle and made him...DON CHEADLE.

2006-01-04T12:38:00.000-05:00

Yep. NFL Playoff Picks. It's time to let y'all have it, Monkey-Knife-Fighting style. You can see the related spewings of my once-and-former sports jabbering partner, Metal-Head, by clicking the link to the right. On with the diatribe.

Wild-Card Round

Redskins at Buccaneers. They played earlier this season, and you might remember that as the game when, after scoring a touchdown in the final minute of the game to bring his team within one point of a tie, opted to go for the two-point conversion to win, and got it (for the record, that's what I would have done, but that's why nobody wants me as a head coach. Though I should start asking around. I hear the Vikings are looking for a skipper who enjoys mid-shelf bourbon and who's not afraid to take his pants off once in a while). I like Jon Gruden, I like Pittman, I think Simms and Cadillac are punk bitches with talent, I think they are a good team. If they had some more Lambert-type action on defense, a more experienced QB, and a tailback who didn't insist on being nicknamed after a ghettomobile, I'd say they were a great team. In D.C., you have an arguably even coaching matchup with Joe Gibbs, and a power-pack offense. That pulled-pork-revolving-door QB situation seems to have finally confirmed, after all these years, that Mr. Brunell can get the job done. Second-best QB in the NFL after the halfway point, if you ask me. Clinton Portis in the backfield, Santana Moss running the routes, and one tough defense means that the 'Skins will be advancing...so long as they can embrace and maintain the underdog mentality and give the finger to the sun-damaged assholes at the Galleon. Advantage=Washington.

Panthers at Giants. This may well end up being a contest of who can help the other team win more effectively. Not that these guys suck--even being an Eagles sympathizer, I must give credit where it's due, and there have been several occasions during this season where either of these teams have looked like they could beat whatever the AFC had to offer in Detroit. Unfortunately, there's also been many occasions where they can't get everybody rowing in sync. Most likely, one of the two will show up to play and the other one will have hot butt sex with themselves. In the event that they both display the same level of combat readiness, or buttsexiness, I'll hink on the Giants. Top-level producers on both sides of the ball, very formidable as long as they can fucking synergize. Either way, watch for Steve Smith to make Burress look like he doesn't deserve a number in the teens. Advantage=New York.

Jaguars at Patriots. The mere fact that this appears to be a gross mismatch is exactly what tempts lots of people to make squeaky noises in the backs of their throats and roll their eyes around and talk about how underestimated the Jags are. Few, however, will actually go the distance and say they're gonna pull off the upset. All I know is, Mr. Mastercard and his Metaphor Revue are going to win that game. New England has had more than its share of injuries and a rude ending to their invincible reputation, but they recovered pretty well and, if anyone cares (not me), Tom Brady put up his best QB rating ever this year. And they will be playing in Foxboro, which currently possesses the world record for Most Annoying Arrogant Pricks in One Place. I will throw Jacksonville a bone and say it will probably be close, they put on a fine show this season and they have real spunk, but I predict they're going to lose by about four points. Advantage=New England.

Steelers at Bengals. Both parties really wanted this matchup, methinks. The Steelers are sore at losing a division title to the Bengals for the first time since the Renaissance, and the Bengals are looking to deliver that fight-scene-ending "now stay down!" punch/kick/ice-pick-shanking. So lots of emotion. As far as emotionally charged teams go, and between these two, I'd be more frightened of the Steelers. Once you motivate those linemen (both O & D), watch the Bengals' running game collapse and the Steelers' start steamrolling. This will force Cincy to take to the air with Carson Palmer, admittedly a very talented quarterback, and Chad Johnson, a top-notch receiver. Despite their ability, excessive dependency on the pass will be their undoing. Dick LeBeau's confounding blitz schemes will result in Palmer getting sacked and hurried. He's still a young quarterback, and may be prone to frustration. If he gives in to it, he just might get run over on his own goal line again during another interception return by his old college roommate, Troy Polamalu. All Pittsburgh's gotta do is contain the pass and be consistent on special teams (that means running straight, Randlemonkey, not spinning and juking and hustling and jiving. Fer Chrissake). Advantage=Pittsburgh.

Divisional Round

Redskins at Seahawks. First off: the Seahawks have looked great. And if I had their schedule this year (just me, not a whole team), I probably would have finished at 10-6. 12-4 if I had quit smoking. They have been knocking around losers 95% of the time, except Indy and New York, the first being easily written off because Indy already clinched and was indecisive as whether or not to try for 16-0. New York is their only noteworthy win. I actually will venture to declare that Shaun Alexander is merely a "pretty good" running back because he failed to rack up 4 miles rushing against that joke of a schedule. The sad thing is, Seattle might actually have been as good as they appear to be if they'd just been given a tougher schedule, but as it stands they are unused to competing at the level at which they'll be playing. This is the Redskins' game to lose, I tell you. This game will be about their attitude. Either Washington opts to dispel Seattle's delusion of grandeur, or they decide that they've advanced far enough for people to take them seriously, and that matters more than a Super Bowl ring. Advantage=Washington.

Giants at Bears. In this game, I...Excuse me, would the peanut gallery please shut up. Yes, I know. I'll do that bit later. Just please shut your yaps and let me finish.

Ahem.

This will be a very entertaining matchup, for various reasons (I said shut up). I am pleased to see the Bears kicking ass on defense again, and would like to pointedly remind all those who remember (probably none of you, with the possible exception of Metal-Head) that in 2002 I predicted that the Chicago Bears would win the 2008 Super Bowl (I'm just sayin'). Anyway, they are bad mofos and Da Bearss defensse iss like a wall, you can't go troo 'em. They are for real. Every game I'd see Urlacher display his speed and power, shredding an O-line and then chasing down the QB or running back. It's like Tecmo Singletary pulled a Michael Jackson (the plastic surgery, not the pedophilia) and has returned to the Midway. As for the Giants, they'll be hurting after Carolina and Eli will be false-starting his own team into a safety as a result of the loud and crazy Chicago crowd and his own jitters at having to face these sumbitches. Tiki Barber hasn't played against a defense this quick, and they won't let him get away with that this-one's-for-you-Wellington type stuff. Now, offensively, Chicago is certainly not as impressive. But did you guys watch the Monday night game against the Falcons a few weeks ago, where they finally replaced Kyle Orton with a healthy Rex Grossman? Up to the half, there had been maybe 3 first downs between the two teams. The score was 6 to 3. Once Rex got in there, the stalemate disintegrated as he completed pass after pass, going 5-for-6 on an 8-play drive that set up a Thomas Jones rushing TD. The overall offensive package still leaves something to be desired, but along with New York's troubles at the linebacker position, it should be enough to send New York packing. At da game's conclusion, there will be two teams of contrasting moods exiting da playing field--one gleeful, one glum, the gleeful of which being...DA BEARSS! Advantage=Chicago, 74-2.

Patriots at Broncos. This is a tough game to call. Breaking it down, these two chumps met, in Denver, earlier this season. The result then was 28-3, Denver, in the 3rd quarter. Brady led a late rally, but it wasn't enough and the Orange Crush took it, 28-20. That game featured brilliant leadership and playmaking from, of all people, Jake Plummer, and a 100+ yard game from RB Tatum Bell. Perhaps the massive holes punched through New England's secondary contributed to that. Anyway, New England's futile heroics towards the end were largely at the expense of Denver's young safeties and corners. If Bill Belichick was actually Winston Churchill, and had been drinking Wild Turkey pantsless at that game, and Michelle Tafoya had walked up and said "Lord Churchill, your defense is sure sucking dick today!" he would have slurringly replied, "Madame, my defense may be sucking dick today, but Mike Shanahan's secondary is young and in the postseason mine will be healthy." Plummer is not going to be able to lob the ball all over the field like he did in their first meeting. If he and Shanahan realize this and use Bell and Anderson in a Harris-Bleier kind of way while using occasional screen passes to keep 'em guessing, I see the Broncos as difficult to beat at home with the thin air and what have you. From what I can logically determine, the Broncos will win this one. But it's so hard to bet against Brady, Belichick, and Vinatieri. There will always be the possibility that they'll make that magic happen (and by "magic" I mean paying off the refs like in '02). Advantage=Denver.

Steelers at Colts. Ughhhh. I was putting this one off as long as I could. I'm very nervous about commenting on this game at all, for fear of jinxing. But, I've decided to grow a pair, so here's what I think. Fact #1: In the event of an offensive shootout, Indy wins easily. I think Big Ben is a smart QB who can throw a good ball, Ward is the best all-around receiver in the league, and the rest of the receivers are very capable. But they are geared to assist the ground game, not run up points passing the ball. No way will they be able to keep pace with Peyton the Greyton and his corps. Fact #2: Manning was having a lot of trouble dealing with Pittsburgh's pass rush during the November game. Many probably overlooked this because of the way Indy controlled the game otherwise, but the last time I saw Peyton Manning look that confused was when the Colts lost to the Patriots during last year's divisional playoffs. The great thing about LeBeau's stunts is that you can watch tape of them over and over, but they don't follow a pattern. It's just chaotic, unpredictable, and brutal. SOOO, I look at these two facts and here's what I get out of them: If the Steelers can score first, at least slow down Indy's offense, and if their O-linemen can win the battle against the Colts' D, they have a definite shot at this. Conversely, if the Colts go out there again and make it 7-0 three minutes into the game, force Roethlisberger to pass and then blitz relentlessly, Manning will have all the time in the world to compose and conduct another magnum opus. But Pittsburgh hasn't received a bitch-slapping like the one the Colts laid on them in quite some time, and I expect that they will come ready to die before they allow it to happen again. Plus, they have a good road record. What the hell, call me biased, but it's not inconceivable. Advantage=Pittsburgh.

Conference Championships

Redskins at Bears. Very, very, very close call here. Washington with the edge on offense, Chicago with the edge on defense, but comparable to each other in almost every area. This could become the most injury-laden game in the entire postseason, as more time will be spent physically beating each other down than actually trying to move the ball. Assuming there are no key injuries before the game begins, I expect it to be a game in which little gets done through the air and scarcely more gets done on the ground due to smothering D and pass rushes. Pretty much the only thing I can think of to sway my opinion on this game is Clinton Portis vs. Thomas Jones. If I'm correct in that, it's really not a very tough choice. Advantage=Washington.

Steelers at Broncos. This would be a great game, and it is scary how similar these two teams are to each other in some ways. Shanahan, like Cowher, is devoted to a run-centered offense with two specialty backs, and tough guys up front on defense. Big Ben and Plummer manage games in an almost identical fashion. The mismatches in the Steelers' favor are the pass rush (slightly), and the secondary (significantly). In the Broncos' favor is size, experience, and home field, plus the monkey all over Cowher's back where AFC Championships are concerned. It's those things that are likely going to give the Crush this game. With a similar strategy employed by both sides, I expect a victory by a five-point margin. If this game actually happens, it will be super-entertaining to watch. I hope it snows. I really hope the Steelers win. Advantage=Denver.

Super Bowl

Redskins vs. Broncos. Before proceeding with the breakdown of the marquee matchup, let me go off on a quick tear about the Super Bowl. Can we PLEASE have a Super Bowl at an open field up north somewhere? I cannot remember the last time the NFL championship wasn't decided in some lush, tropical atmosphere or a heated dome. To me, most Super Bowls are not memorable experiences. Let's have one in sleet, or in a blizzard, or even a Fog Bowl reprise. Man vs. Man vs. Elements, now there's a Super Bowl they'll be talking about for years.

Anyhow, on with the show. Clinton Portis faces his old team across the most important gridiron of the year, the pundits will love that story. It's another great matchup: The 'Skins, with their potent defense and multifaceted offense, against the Broncos, with their killer running tandem and fearsome D. This will be intriguing, because I see both teams as excelling at attacking their opponent's specific weak points. The Crush can contain Portis, and put some points on the board with their rushers, who won't be equally hindered by Washington's defense. They'll force Brunell to throw often...too bad for them, that's something he's pretty f***ing good at, especially with that aforementioned young and vulnerable secondary that Denver has. Question is, who'll run out of gas/make mistakes first? Denver's rushing, or D.C.'s passing? Damn near a tossup. Brunell's the kind of guy who'll keep throwing when up by 9 points, and if Denver's unable to make accurate reads on the play calls, Portis will start sneaking through here and there. Despite Denver's reliance on the running game, don't forget that Plummer is one of the league's most efficient QBs by the numbers. He can switch it up, too. I'll say that the first team to 10 points establishes the pace of the game and wins. And you know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it will be the Redskins. Denver is, pound for pound, the better team, but something tells me that sly old fox Gibbs will yank something out of his sleeve early on, when everyone will be expecting him to hang back and think defensively. Hail to the Redskins. Advantage=Washington.

32!

2006-01-03T13:28:00.000-05:00

Back to the grind. It was a good break. Not super great, but good. No reason to bitch. Some highlights? Brighton Beach trip with Darklon and an old history major was spectacular, picked up Brat ("Brother") from a big music/movie/book outlet, ate caviar, otherwise enjoyed hanging around in a neighborhood where few people speak English very well and shop signs are in Cyrillic.

Saw very many old friends.

Went to see the RAW house show at Stabler with Storm Shadow and Pythona, which wound up being extremely fun. We sat right over the ring entrance, so some wrestler acknowledgement came our way. Ric Flair blew a kiss at Pythona and SS gave the "Four Horsemen" sign to a very incognito Arn Anderson, who gave a stiff-lipped nod. Me, I just waited for the Nature Boy to come out and then I wouldn't stop going "WOO!" for like 20 minutes. Storm Shadow and I finally had our shuffle duel in the parking lot of the Bethlehem Diner.

The "under construction" page has been updated to reflect upcoming shows. Kudos to the English Mingler. (www.stereoagency.com) We of the Agency are happy to announce that we now have a new venue, in addition to the Funhouse, to play at regularly: The Old Brewery Tavern, recently refurbished. It's located at the corner of Union Boulevard and Monocacy Street, down the road from Moravian College and right near the 378 exit. I have never been in there. I hope it's cool.

I'll go off on the NFL tomorrow.

End of Year post (probably)

2005-12-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

The clock is ticking down to the end of my workday, and with it, the beginning of my long, paid vacation. I'm certainly not complaining, but I'll miss daily internet.

So, Christmas is almost here. Berto's coming home Friday. It will be good times with friends and family and I'm looking forward to it. Some wayward comrades are coming home, namely Copperhead and Zarana (featured in my Christmas message below). I'm very excited about seeing them both, and I am also psyched about Zarana moving back to the area. Ooooh, what a hottie.

I got most of my sincere Christmas spiel out of the way a few posts ago, so all I will add to that is that I hope you all have a peaceful and happy holiday. Enjoy time with the people you dig. Get wrecked on New Year's, but don't do anything to piss me off or I will totally send Storm Shadow over to your house with a garden trowel. And it won't be pretty.

Heh. Merry Christmas, y'all. And rock the new year.

From the C Train to the Shiny Tower

2005-12-21T09:44:00.000-05:00

It was better than breakfast for me this morning when I opened the paper and saw all of Manhattan in gridlock. I know that may be a mean thing to say, and there are some very stand-up people who live in that town, but I'm in an aggressive mood and not five days ago that city screwed over my second-in-command. So I shriek loudly:

EAT SHIT, NEW YORK CITY!!!

There was an interview on the news this morning with a picketing transit worker who mouthed some nonsense about needing more pay and benefits and the like. If someone goes Reagan on their ass and fires all 33,000 of them, I wonder whether the MTA would have a tough time hiring new employees at the terms that the unions rejected? My money's on no.

I'm going to start abiding by a resolution, which happens to coincide with the coming of the New Year, will be to participate significantly less in the favor matrix. At least, in terms of owing favors.

D-Caf! D-Caf!

2005-12-20T09:14:00.000-05:00

I got a 100 on my argument paper concerning eminent domain. I am feeling nice and loose, it's good to know I can still get the job done 2 years after college. Even if it is KnickKnack.

Dreadnok captain Zartan has posted a counterspiel over at his blog, scathing and well-written. What it amounts to is an outline of his battle plan against Christmas, complete with slam-dunk intelligence supporting the war and a well-detailed attack strategy.

I will say that if anyone has more of a gripe with platoons of errant NY/NJers wading around the area at the will of the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse (Suburban Sprawl, who rides a plywood steed) than I do, well, I will fight them to earn the title of Biggest Griper Vs. Platoons of Errant blah blah blah blah blah. I, too, worked as an entry-level food service employee during the holidays, actually working ON Christmas once, although it didn't grate on me quite as much as it did on my comrade. But it still sucks. Nevertheless...

I see a problem when Christmas music is ruined for someone by the realization that the artists who wrote it may have been interested more in money than in promoting the Christmas spirit. Now, cynicism is a valuable tool--doubt, and not having completely blind faith in human nature, is healthy. But virtue is defined by a mean between the vices of excess and deficiency, as determined by a rational principle such as a man of practical wisdom would use (that's right, I just got Nicomachean on your asses). In short, cynicism needs to be tempered by a willingness to, in the end, accept people and ideas that can prove themselves in the face of doubt.

So when Christmas music causes irritation and bitterness because of the possibly greedy motivations of the composers, that, to me, is symptomatic of cynicism having become an end in itself and no longer a filter through which we separate the wheat from the chaff, intellectually. Left unchecked, it will spread through the mind and body, and eventually to the colon. Then it's curtains, Zartan. Let me help you. You can borrow my tape of the Charlie Brown Christmas special.

So Friday was something. The mission was accomplished and the Plastic People successfully infiltrated, although G.I. Joe managed to take Destro out of commission for a short while. The Baronness still managed to accomplish her mission spectacularly, in rather skimpy dress. The rest of the night was spent living behind the velvet rope. Not exactly something I'm used to. I met a few interesting people here and there, but mostly just took advantage of the free booze. The single women travel in packs, and the single men travel in prides. It's not the best environment for the solitary hunter, shall we say. But that was never really the goal anyway, and a good time was had regardless. Especially since I got to ralph all over the ground in front of some Manhattan precinct police station. Woo!

And then, Saturday happened to provide one of the best one-two friday-saturday punches EVER. Did the annual march up to Beck's Tree Farm for the family tree, took in the awesome view as usual, then came home and received the LaSalle Crimson Guard as we prepared for the show. Everyone came together to make this probably the best show yet. The relationship between an audience and a performer is symbiotic--the more "into it" the audience, the more "into it" the performer, and it goes back and forth in a feedback loop. Well, thanks to Zartan, Baronness, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, Major Bludd, Metal-Head, and a host of other Crimson Guardsmen, that feedback loop grew more and more out of control until the rockingness of it threatened to tear the Funhouse off its foundations. So to all who came Saturday, thank you once again. We do this for you, because you do it for us. We all made it a great night.

'Tis the Season, innit?

2005-12-16T15:25:00.000-05:00

I realized something while engaging in some idle chatter with Mistress Armada recently, concerning the Christmas season: I'm a big fan of Christmas. It's just a good time to be human.

As an easily impressed child, I couldn't have too much stimulation. Monstrously draconian restrictions on television-watching meant that I got probably six to seven thousand times the enjoyment out of seeing those few programs during December that my brother and I were allowed to watch, The Grinch and A Charlie Brown Christmas being the two essential staples. Going to a Catholic elementary school meant that Advent started on about November 15th and from that point until the holiday started, all of us were in a constant state of holding small plastic tubes in our mouths, holding flameless lighters in one hand and pieces of tinfoil containing pure Christmas in the other, with the benevolent nuns holding holly-bedecked Mauser C-96s to our heads to make sure we kept right on inhaling.

Violent metaphor aside, all I know is, proper immersion in holiday themes and spirits (both definitions) made 12/25 super awesome when it rolled around. Bethlehem, as much as many of its current and former residents may not care for it, is pretty nice during Christmastime. Granted, there's a lot of shit going on that is just royally schmaltzy, like the horse-drawn carriages and the big manger scene in the City Center, and those gigantic Advent candles, but it's part of the overall effect. Bethlehem's a historical town, parts of it dating back further than others (And, for anyone who is curious, NONE of it dates back to the birth of CHRIST. Although he does visit here in the summer sometimes). Few things are more beautiful in December than the historical district when snow is falling. I can't explain the mixed emotions I have when I see the silhouettes of the old Bethlehem Steel furnaces by the Lehigh River amidst a snowstorm, but I can assure you it's a healthy feeling.

And, just two years ago, I was engaged in the most grueling finals season to date, frequently taking a break from my work to have a cigarette on the porch of townhouse E-8, sometimes at 4 or 5 in the morning, with caffeine and ritalin and God knows what else coursing through my system. I'd stand in the cold, December, Philadelphia night, and look at the wreaths, ribbons, and lights that the R.D.s had hung across the way. One night, during the last week, it began to snow heavy, chunky flakes in the early morning while I was out. Not having an mp3 player, I had no music with me, but had such an urge to hear "Christmas Time is Here" by the Vince Guaraldi Trio that I just started singing it to myself. From that moment on I was dedicated to getting a means of portable digital music playing, so that I'd never be without Vince Guaraldi when I needed him again. (And, for the record, outside of Christmastime, the absolute best song to listen to when outside in falling snow is "Higher Ground" by Omni Trio.)

This year, I find myself working full-time, spending about half my nights per week in the studio, and the rest of my evenings frantically trying to spend time with my friends. I see my family infrequently, though we all live in the same house. It startles the hell out of me when I see that it's already the 16th of December...we just had Thanksgiving! And it's because I've gotten next to zero exposure to the season. I did most of my shopping online. Scoring a CD and a box of ammo isn't going to involve a lot of strolling downtown. I just plain old don't have time to sit still and absorb Christmas this time around. At least, I haven't so far. There's still 8 days left. Maybe I can jam some holiday spirit into my head, yet.

For instance, tonight I am headed into Manhattan with Destro and the Baroness. I don't know where in town the club is, but perhaps we'll pass by the big tree or Rockefeller's or something. Who knows? New York makes me edgy most of the time, but this might be just what I need. Nevermind the fact that I get to schmooze with a bunch of models and talk about whose index and middle fingers smell the least like vomit.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all my comrades who come out to see Stereo Agency when we play. I'm in love with playing music, and every time my pals come to a show it's as though myself and music are on a honeymoon (sometimes very tender and romantic, other times there's more leather and violence, but always great). Especially guys like Mindbender, Bludd, and hopefully Metal-Head, who are going through a lot of trouble to come to the show on Saturday. That is truly cool. I hope that everyone enjoys what we do when you come out, because our enjoyment of our craft is contingent on the audience's enjoyment of the noise. The giving IS the receiving, wow, does it get any more Christmasy than that? Fawk.

All right, all right. Enough of all this. I have a feeling that it's going to be a great, though poorly-rested weekend. Aren't they all. For those I'll see, I'm looking forward to it. For those I won't, be cool, and root for Pittsburgh come Sunday.

COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Hit Some, Buddy

2005-12-15T09:02:00.000-05:00

I would recommend that everyone hightail it, at some point, over to Major Bludd's page. There's a pretty kickass entry about Warren Zevon that would have definitely, definitely provoked a river of tears if I were a 15-year old girl on Lithium who was totally in love with Zevon. As it is rather unbecoming for the future world emperor to admit to weeping at the thought of touching sentiments concerning one of his favorite musical artists, I shall relate to you all instead that I promptly opened two bottles of Basil Hayden, held one in each hand, clinked them together, and chugged them both while humming "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" through my nostrils.

Christmas shopping nearly defeated, after allowing it to sit smugly behind its fortified walls long enough to get complacent, then springing a surprise, 360-degree assault. My family should just start writing their thank-you notes to Steelers.com. There's a few isolated pockets of resistance that need to be dealt with, but the course is clear. One of the remaining items is a box of .9mm bullets. Does anybody need to ask who it's for? Perhaps. But if you know the Dreadnok I'm talking about, you should be ashamed of yourself for not figuring it out.

Speaking of bullets, and presents, I have my eye on a gift for myself...it'll have to wait till after the holidays, since I have yet to find a reliable source. But check this out and tell me it isn't the super bomb shizbang:

So Many People You Need To Thank

2005-12-13T10:47:00.000-05:00

Firstly, let's give out Sunday awards. First goes to the Pittsburgh Steelers for convincingly beating a good team. Tie for second goes to Kansas City and San Diego, who lost games they probably shouldn't have. Honorable mention goes out to the staff and management of Starter's Pub, who actually allowed us to give the cooks a link of polish sausage to incorporate into our Roethlisburgers (an item that we forced onto the menu). God bless 'em.

Secondly, a couple of monday awards. Jeremy McKenna wins first for wearing a friggin' elf costume into a popular Bethlehem bar, for no reason other than 1) 'tis the season, and 2) to see if he could lure an unsuspecting stranger into making fun of him. Second place, narrowly, goes to Barry, who unquestionably won the Best Fag Ever award. The Steelgaarden bar backs will be plugging their butts with land mines for a month. Let's also regret the senselessness of the execution of Tookie Williams, who, despite gunning down four helpless people in cold blood, deserved clemency because of the positive mark left on the world by the several children's books he wrote from prison, not to mention the founding of one of the most violent and drug-involved gangs in the country.

Stereo Agency plays this Saturday at the Funhouse, 10:30-2. Christmas Show! Not to be missed, even more so than usual. Mindbender and Bludd are already on the guest list, y'all best get on the trolley!

So it looks like myself and Destro are going to be infiltrating some serious Manhattan Plastic People High Life Bash, and I'm going to have to make a wardrobe decision: dress to impress or dark and mysterious?

Except Xamot

2005-12-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

Just in case anybody had a problem reading yesterday's post, this might help.

We had rehearsal last night. Our next show is Saturday, December 17th at the Funhouse, catching that early home-from-college townie crowd. I hope. Anyway, it gives us some breathing room, so Ben invited this fella John to come by and rock out some guitar/bass with us. He's a good guy, with a sort of mad-scientist look about him and a warped sense of humor, with a very good ear and incredible talent. As I have mentioned earlier, we have been paying some attention to the idea of adding a fourth member.

But, as killer as the jams were, there is just something thrown off kilter. I don't know why, but over the last couple of years, things have been fine-tuned, tweaked, instruments and personnel have been added and subtracted...to me, it's like picking a lock. You have a series of pins that a key can push up into the right place because it is so precisely cut that way. When you're picking it, you have to ram something in there to hold the pins up, then use another tool to jiggle around each individual pin until they get right where they need to be. Right now, it feels like we've finally got the lock open and screwing around with the pins any further will only set us back. But I don't mind bringing people in to jam from time to time, it's a fun time regardless, and who knows?

The threat of snow looms over the Lehigh Valley. Various reports call for between 3 and 18 inches.

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2005-12-07T11:05:00.000-05:00

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Mop-up Operations

2005-12-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

We finally sent our gimped website to the shop.

The show on Friday went well, short of a couple of things: Murray busted his guitar pedal so he had to go direct through his amp. Predictably this resulted in a change in sound that I regarded as noticeable but not necessarily inferior, but he regarded as cataclysmic. Whatever. The other issue was that, although the Wildflower is spiffy and all, there's too many effing chairs and sofas and divans and settees and chaise-lounges and chesterfields and davenports and such in there. Everybody has a place to sit and get seriously way too comfortable enough by half. So we brought in a pretty nice pile of people, maybe fifty or so through the night, but it was a legion of chilled-out folks nodding their heads, tapping their feet, and who would have waited for the last note to finish ringing out before clapping or making any sort of noise if Dr. Mindbender hadn't been sitting up in the front yelling, shouting out asides, and generally making a scene. The little brother and his legion of mumbling compatriots turned up and seemed to really enjoy themselves until they had to leave because none of them had senior licenses.

Now, in response to Zartan's wish-list:
1. We have considered the pros and cons of adding a bassist since...forever. It would allow Murray and myself much more room to do things and enrich the overall sound a good deal. But, the thing is, since the band reverted to a trio, efficiency has skyrocketed across the board: practice schedules, practice time, creative process (we wrote & arranged about 15 songs in 3 weeks after the last personnel change), communication, booking, and decision making. My honest opinion? It'll probably happen sometime. But we need to take advantage of this situation for a while longer.
2. The video usually gets projected onto a bigger screen or blanket over our heads. Friday's setup was an experiment (failed, evidently). Next time, I will push for directly projecting onto us. We'll wear a lot of white. See how it goes.
3. This would be one of the "pros" of item #1. Not that the integration can't be increased more in the current configuration, however. Duly noted.
4. His balls were where now?

Tonight is the super-prestigious LVMAs, or Lehigh Valley Music Awards for those of you who are autistic or have been locked in a brothel for the past seven years. We were nominated for a decent number of categories (about 6-8), but these things are settled by an internet vote over the span of one week, during which I didn't a nearly good enough job getting the vote out. So, I'm not expecting much, but we may get lucky. After all, we won best Avante-Garde/Instrumental act last year and I don't think any of us had any idea there was voting going on.

Baroness and Destro return from their mission tonight. The transmissions have been promising, I look forward to a full report. In triplicate. That I will make my secretarial staff read and then brief me. And then, if they're good looking enough, de-brief me. COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Buen Viaje

2005-12-01T16:14:00.000-05:00

Last night was quality. Storm Shadow and Baroness were leaving to Colorado in order to do some recon on a possible mountain stronghold location. I hope they run into Snow Job and kick his ass. Anyway, we steamed for a while in the Firebat atop the 'Drome and followed up with an episode of Oz. Watching that show instinctively makes me want to eat Cup Noodles and relentlessly send IMs to people's long-dormant away messages.

Firefly believes, and I concur, that I am afflicted with a small onset of depression with the dropping of the temperature and the shortening of the daylight hours. I don't feel like crossing swords with it, it will pass whenever it passes. Of course, it might help when the local radiology clinic stops threatening to send a collection agency after me.

Tonight is a last rehearsal, and tomorrow evening we launch another sonic incursion against the poor unsuspecting sods at the Wildflower Cafe. As it is a BYO joint, my younger brother David is bringing his friends from school. Interesting...Anyway, everyone is welcome. The venue is located on South New Street, a few doors up from 3rd Street's Chicken & Ribs. 9 pm start time. $5. We're gonna have the video screen set up.

Silver Lining

2005-11-30T16:28:00.000-05:00

As for the theory: Looking back at what happened last year between Pittsburgh and New England, one can reasonably conclude that the team that loses a game will learn more about themselves and their opponents than the team that wins that game. So IF the Steelers can beat Cincy next week and make it into the playoffs, they will be better equipped to beat Indianapolis than they would be if they had won on Monday night. As painful as it may have been to watch, it's the only way they'll be able to win in the postseason. Maybe Cowher's suicidally risky onsides kick was his way of inconspicuously but intentionally throwing the game to that end...but I won't claim to share in the genius of the man, or his chin.

Phoenix Rising

2005-11-29T13:55:00.000-05:00

Here's a photo, recently taken and photoshopped of Stereo Agency, which I really like. When we finally get on the ball and get the frickin' website rolling again that will likely be on it somewhere.

Incidentally, today is not cooperating. Big loss to the Colts last night--there's a "silver lining" theory involved there that I may elaborate on later. More importantly, I have been "bumped up" to my own office, which means I don't get to use this snazzy computer anymore, instead I get what is supposed to be a snazzy computer but is really the biggest electronic prostitute I've ever seen. Just came back from the shop and had 431 spyware programs and two viruses removed. And it's still not cooperating. In fact, it's even worse than it was before. Now it sometimes even shuts down on its own, without provocation. I'm taking its ass back to the freakin' shop. Unbelievable.

Well it looks...like the battle's finally over.

2005-11-28T12:46:00.000-05:00

9:39 AM

But the wounds remain and they all hurt like bitches. This will happen when I use certain muscles only once a year and pull crazy stunts like that diving tackle that missed and bent my body in nasty ways. But the Turkey Bowl was good fun, Destro head-butted a couple of O-linemen and Dr. Mindbender called some quality audibles. G.I. Joe's end-arounds and flea-flickers confounded us at first, but we quickly neutralized them and laid down some smack with some B.S. of our own, but mostly brute force and battering rams. Like we do. Anyways it ended in a tie, 49-49. So we retreat into the darkness to lick our wounds and plan the next attack, when certainly we will emerge victorious. Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Enter the Terrordrome

2005-11-22T18:50:00.000-05:00

How do you drive this thing?

Oh well. Maybe something will break later. If not, I will go to livejournal, where it's much easier to stalk and be stalked and you get a great deal more illustrative freedom. The current project is to get a big Cobra logo permanently stuck to the top of the page. Like this one.

Of course, I have this [] much experience with HTML and all that other BS that I missed out on by jumping on the blog train so late. So any help would be appreciated.